Unforgivable | kth ✓

48

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Warning: mature content towards the end of this chapter.

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"What you're dealing with isn't exactly uncommon," Dr. Lee crossed her legs in her armchair, her gentle brown eyes meeting mine before she gave me a warm smile. "It's called post-traumatic stress disorder."

"PTSD?" I breathed out in disbelief. I wasn't unfamiliar with the term, I had stumbled upon it several times while reading through some of my dad's books on Psychology. "But doesn't that occur mainly in people that have gone through a significant physical trauma, like soldiers?"

"Not necessarily," Dr. Lee replied. "It can manifest in almost every person who has endured some kind of a stressful event in their life. What may be stressful for you, may not be stressful for others. The nature of that event can vary widely. They all have one thing in common though – the person is usually exposed to a factor that poses a threat on their life."

"I see," I folded my arms in my lap.

"What you've experienced yesterday can also be a manifestation of PTSD," the doctor continued. "Episodes of intense physical symptoms like having trouble breathing, increased heart rate and cold sweat are very often observed in patients having endured extreme stress, even years after the stressful event. Changes in behavior are almost always present, along with disturbing thoughts and dreams. You told me you're having nightmares almost every night, right?"

"Yes," I verified. "But I don't always remember what they were about."

"You don't have to," Dr. Lee's eyes didn't leave mine as she continued to explain. There was nothing but genuine understanding in her dark brown orbs. "They may be images from your abduction, or may be not. The fact that they're disrupting your sleep and are causing you physical and mental distress is enough. Actually, this is one of the criteria for PTSD diagnosis."

I nibbled on my lower lip as I listened to her.

"And you also shared with me that your behavior has shifted lately. You feel differently, you think differently. You find yourself closing off to your loved ones. Isn't that right?"

"Yes," I nodded slowly.

"That's because subconsciously, your mind is trying to avoid distress-related cues. You're detaching yourself from everything because it's easier to run away and hide instead of facing your hardships. So you close off more and more each day instead of talking with someone. That's very dangerous. By bottling up our emotions, we're not helping ourselves or anyone else for that matter. If anything, we make matters even worse because one day, it all blows up in our faces."

I gave her a crooked smile. I really appreciated her talking to me in a way I could understand her, instead of using fancy medical terms.

"You also told me about your boyfriend and how the two of you ended up together," she said and my heart picked up its pace at the mention of Taehyung. "I'm not going to underestimate the complexity of the situation you had ended up in. You had to choose between him and your ex-boyfriend that you used to love so dearly and still care for. That's tough for anyone. But now, in your fragile mental state and under the scrutiny of the public eye, you're starting to have doubts. You're not convinced of the rightfulness of your actions and that's creating a conflict inside of you. So it's only natural you feel this way," she assured me.