My dear loser: InSun's Playlist

Sidetrack 8: Forever

A week has passed since P'Ken died. I got lost in the Uni--mentally, literally.

Everything has changed. Everyone changed in my eyes. Tey has dropped the subject that he had similar with mine. With Mae, she hasn't spoken with me since the incident. I know that she shouldn't be guilty with it, but I know too that she's just being sensitive of my feelings.

I want to forgive Tey, but I can't. Hearing his name makes me cry instantly. Remembering P'Ken makes me lose my will to go on.

P'Ken has been there for me since. I know I've hurt him when I chose In, but P'Ken continued being my P'. He never left me. He never gave up on me.

"How are you?" In asked me while we're eating lunch.

I didn't answer him. I just shrugged.

I still haven't asked him about his sons. I'm already in pain with P'Ken's death, I don't think I can handle for another heartache.

"He's been nice to me as well. He tells me how you are." In continued narrating while opening the lunch boxes in front of us. "I was so happy when he told me that you have passed the scholarship grant." In paused then smiled absentmindedly at the lunch box that he's still holding. "I'm gonna miss him too." then he looked at me.

Another tear fell from my eyes.

"I wanna kill P'Pot." I said, "I know he's in pain right now, but seeing him cry over P'Ken back in P'Ken's house, he deserved that pain! If not because of him, P'Ken is still alive right now! I'll never forgive him!"

In just stared at me, then said in a low voice, "Do you remember when we were at the club? When I was with girls?"

I nodded.

"I was hurt too when you saw me like that. I wanted to hug you and tell you that I miss you, but I had to act like I don't wanna see you. Do you know why?"

I stared at In and waited for him to continue.

"Because we can't be together anymore" In said.

"Because of your sons?" I pushed, bravely.

In looked surprised, but then again smiled, "so you already know about them?"

"They're really your sons?" I asked again.

"Yeah." In dropped his stare, weaving his gaze out of mine, "but that's not the reason why we can't be together anymore."

"Then what?" I insisted, "what  kind of reason is more painful than knowing that you have sons In?"

In looked at me again, this time, smiling with pain. "Do you remember when was the last time that we meet?"

"at the wedding" I answered, referring to our "wedding day" back in high school.

"and you gave me a letter."

"Yeah" I lowered my tone.

"A letter telling me to give up. Do you know how painful it was Sun?" In showed me his left wrist.

I gasped. I didn't know what to say. In his wrist were a lot of scars, marks of being cut.

"I tried to kill myself Sun. Not just once, but a number of times that even I couldn't count anymore."

"In- I didn't know. I'm sorry." was the only thing that I could muster.

In stared at me then gave me again a painful smile.

"I didn't think that I could recover from that, but I did. I didn't think that I'll see you again, yet here you are. Sun, do you know why we can't be together again?"

"Why?" I asked with nervousness.

"Because we both know that our love won't last. It's either you give up, or I do. Besides, I promised myself not to love again if it isn't you. I also promised myself not to love you again. In short, I won't love again"

"But In, I- I-" I tried to answer. I wanted to tell him that I didn't give up on him, but who am I to say that? Who am I to say to the one who didn't give up on me if I was the one that pushed him away? "I'm sorry."

"It's okay Sun. I have forgiven ages ago already." In withdrew his pinky finger and waited for me to do the same. "So, Friends forever?"

I thought for a moment, but gave uo in the end. It's better than none. At least I can still be with him even only as a friend.

I clasped my pinky finger on his as a sign of promise. "Friends." I said.

"Forever." In added, with a smile.

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Hi guys, I don't know why I got into the #wattys2019 entries, but if you got the time, can you leave a vote in any of this fanfiction's chapters? Thank youuuuuuuu!

*This is not the last sidetrack. Hihi