My Ruin

29. Official

ASHANTI

2 weeks later...

"Everything seems to be in order, Ms. Clare. You are free to go," Dr. Walker says with a smile.

This was my second visit to Dr. Walker.

I was relieved to know that everything was fine with the baby and I's health.

I was still feeling a constant sickness though.

The doctor told me that usually women don't feel morning sickness until further down in the pregnancy, but in some chronic cases they do.

She said that it will get better and gave me a few techniques that I could use to help curve the need to vomit.

This baby was going to be the death of me.
This baby was going to turn out exactly like their father, always challenging me and pushing my limits.

Speaking of which, I hadn't spoken to Lamonte since I told him I was pregnant.

He's been trying to get in contact with me, but I was just not ready to go back there. I feel like if I saw him right now it would bring back all the feelings I've worked so hard to bury to resurface.

I didn't want them to resurface.

When I was with Lamonte I was different. He made me feel alive and electrical. He made me feel like I could do anything, like I was on top of the world. He made me feel things I never even dreamt of feeling, but he also made me dependent on him. I wanted him more than anything and it was like he was the air that I breathed.

Suffice to say that the highs are high and the lows are lower.

I was suffocating when he was gone and when he came back, I would forgive him and jump back into his arms like nothing had happened. He took me for granted too many times.

How could I be with someone who doesn't appreciate me enough to be loyal to me?

This time was different, I had a baby to think about.

I honestly still wasn't sure if I was going to keep it, but I wasn't going to abort it.

I was thinking about giving the baby up for adoption possibly.

I know Karen in my workplace has been wanting a baby, so I was thinking maybe I would give it to her.

I hadn't thought it completely through yet, but one thing is for certain I'm not a mother and this goes beyond being ready for a baby.

My own mother was barely a mother to me. I don't want this child to grow up the way I did. I don't want my child to resent me ever and I want my child to have support and not just financially. I want to give this baby the best chance possible, and his or her best chance is just not with me.

Sometimes, I think about what my life could be if I keep the baby. And at times, my mind even wanders to me being married to Lamonte and us having more children.

I try not to dwell on it much because that was just a fantasy.

That life could never happen for us because we would never have a happily ever after.

We'll have a happy for now.

Even if I was to keep the baby, I don't want this child to grow up that way and think that's how relationships are.

I wish that things could work between us, but I have to come to terms with the fact that it's never going to work with us.

We are just too different.

I didn't realize when or how, but my car was parked in my office garage and made my way to my floor.

I sat in my chair resting my head on the table feeling an intense migraine coming on.

I was knocked out of my haze when my assistant walked into my office and interrupted my thoughts, "Ms. Clare?"

I focused my attention on her and answered, "Yes, Alyssa."

"There is someone here to see you," she stated bluntly.

"I don't have a meeting until 1," I spoke looking at my watch. "This isn't an appointment, ma'am. He says his name is Trey," she answered me politely.

Suddenly, my heart was pounding in my chest and my throat became very dry.

I cleared my throat and said, "Send him in."
He had came up to break up with me after all this time. He came here to end things for good. I didn't want to let him go, but if that's what he chooses to do I'll be okay with that.

Honestly, I've been hot and cold with him because of Lamonte and it's not fair on him.

My feelings for Lamonte have been holding me back from giving all of myself to him.

You can't focus on a person if your heart belongs to another, but I want to focus on Trey.

Trey has done nothing but be kind to me. Why couldn't I have fallen for him instead?
When I was with him, he made feel special and wanted.

He cherished me and I wanted to give us an honest shot.

I just hope he feels the same way.

Trey walked into my office slowly and closed the door behind him.

He walked up to me and it was silent for a few minutes, but it felt like we were standing there for hours.

"Do you want to sit?," I asked.

He nodded and sat in the chair. I hopped up on the desk and I sat directly in front of him awaiting his words.

He stared into my eyes so intently that I had to look away.

"Look at me," he whispered.

I looked at him as he continued, "I really wish that you weren't having another man's baby and I wish I could say that it doesn't bother me but it does."

"You don't have to say anything else. I know that you want to end things and I can't force you to stick around for something like this," I said with a sigh.

"Stop right there," he interrupted me as he stood up from the seat and loomed over me. "I'm not ending things between us. Ashanti, I've know you for almost 5 months now and you are the most brilliant woman I have ever met. Back in Seattle, when you gave me the time of day I knew that you would be in my life for a long time. Now that I finally have you, I don't want to let you go. I want you to be my girl, lil mama," he declares boldly.

I didn't know what to say to his words, but I did know one thing that I wanted to do.
Without a second thought, I pulled him between my legs and kissed him as if my life depended on it.

I gripped onto his strong, muscular body and I pressed my body up against him.

The kiss turned into something that was beyond passionate and intense.

I bit my lip as he kissed down to my jaw and made his way to my neck then to my collarbone.

I succumbed to him as he ravished my body and he began to unbutton my top until my assistant walked in and interrupted, "Ms. Clare, your 1 o'clock meeting is— oh my god! I'm so sorry."

She immediately ran out and closed the door behind her.

Trey and I both laughed and fixed our appearances.

"You probably scarred your assistant for life," he joked.

"Probably," I giggled.

I smiled and kissed him one last time before exiting my office to meet my client.

Although, it was hard to focus when all I could think about was what happened in my office just minutes ago.

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