Torn

chapter 41

When I wake up, I have a headache from the crying.  I sit up and look around.  The apartment is dark and quiet.  I dig through my purse for my phone.  It is 4:12 a.m.  I have several text messages and five missed calls.  I read my messages, all say "I am sorry, I love you" and are from Slash.  I listen to the one voice message that is on the phone.

"Baby, please, come home.  I fucked up, I know.  Please, Wynnie, come back...."

I wrap my arms around myself.  What am I going to do?  I can not raise a baby around that.  He promised no drugs.  And to see him there watching my sister have sex with his friend.  That is beyond gross.  No, I am furious, I am not calling him.

With the blanket that lindsey must have left out for me, I lay back down in the couch.  I rub my hand over the baby bump, feeling my sweet baby moving around only brings more tears.   There has to be  a way to fix this and I need to figure out what that is.

I finally drift off to sleep and awake when I hear Lindsey and Axl talking in the kitchen.  I go in and get a glass of juice.  They are wrapped around each other, all lovey and cute.  So in love.  Makes me miss my Slash even more.  Without saying a word I go back to the couch.  They follow and start asking questions.  I explain to them what happened and they are upset about all I am going through.

Lindsey is kind enough to tell me I can stay as long asI need to.  I feel so sad, as this is not where I want to be, yet grateful to have a place to stay.  I spend most of my day on Lindsey's couch.  I sleep, I cry, then repeat.  I stay there for five more days, without hearing a word from Slash.  No calls, no texts, no visits.  This leads me to what I think is the obvious decision.

I don't want to raise this baby all alone.  So I make a phone call that I dread. 

"Hello" she answers on the second ring.

"Momma," I start t cry.  "Everything here is all messed up.  Can I come home?"  I break down sobbing.  I wanted to make it.  I wanted to be here, with the man I love.  But he is on a path of destruction, and now I have the baby to think of, to protect.  So here I am, crawling home like a failure.

"Sweetie, of course you can," she says, soothingly.

"I will be there by the end of the week," I say, before hanging up. 

My next call is to the diner to tell them I am going back to Ohio.  The manager tells me if I ever need a job in this town again, there will be one there for me.

I tell Lindsey and ask her to do me a big favor.  I need my clothes from the apartment.  She agrees to go get them for me. 

Two days later, I am sitting in a rental car in my parent's driveway.  They live in a suburb of Cleveland.  I hate it here.  I left the car Slash had given me outside of his apartment.  The first thing I did here was get my cell phoine number switched to something local.  Basically, I took away any chance of him finding me.  My heart is broken.  Torn between the man I love and my need to protect my child. 

With a big sigh, I climb out of the car and waddle up the front steps.  I am greeted by family dog, and the smell of sauerkraut cooking, with a lingering smell of chocolate chip cookies.  Instantly I feel like a little kid again. 

"Well this is gonna suck balls," I mumble as I drop my bags in the entryway.