All In Yellow

Chapter 19, Peeps in Shailene

Ok guys...I just came with a thought that I shall right a chapter in Shailene's, the ACTUAL Shailene's point of view. At first I thought that I'll write the whole story as Linda's point of view; but to make things a bit more interesting; here we go!

Presenting before...SHAILENE'S POV

start reading!

I lie on my bed, the day still on my brain. I have always been the more calculative and as people say - 'left brained'; I am as usual analysing things.

I met Lyn after so long today. I wanted this day to be memorable, really. I wanted that we spend a day laughing and smiling and being normal again as we were before.
Before I backed out.

There are a lot of things people wish for, but fate...that's were we go wrong.
Lyn has always been a right brained, she knows what to and when to say. She has a way with words.

I am not so lucky. I am more like a crisp and short person. I can't express myself by words. I wish things were a bit different.

I am never able to express myself. Never. It has always been a great weakness. And it happened today too.
I didn't mean to do that.

Linda has been a great support; she always has been. Not only for Sterling, my gang to be precise; but everywhere else too. Ever since we were little, we shared everything to each other.

I still remember, I did our homework and she did the projects. The creative side of hers. She wrote speeches, story's, poems for both of us and I did the homework, assignments and all that sorta work.

I smile at the memory when she didn't want to go to school and I took a leave in order to mark her present in the class. And her tantrums in the morning...gosh I'll never forget that.

I was rude to her again. Again.

She was dressed formally, her dressing sense has improved. Otherwise, I do remember the party she entered with her pyjamas on.
She was always like this.

I snapped at her, and even showed her my gun. But to be honest, I wasn't pointing the gun at her. It was under the table. I was just checking if I had loaded it.
But no...things are always the opposite of what they have been planned by me. And she got the wrong idea I suppose.

Why would I kill her if she didn't order a drink?

**I take out my phone and re read the messages between me and Blake.
He himself is a gang leader, and I am quite honoured that I was able to sign the deal with him.

We were not more than business partners, but nowadays we are good friends.
Both of us understand each other and the situation where we are in. None of us want to be involved in gangs, but fate...that's it.

Only a few days back, I was talking to him about his new long distance girlfriend, Jessica.

Blake doesn't usually go making around girlfriends, as he doesn't want to risk them. That happens when you are a part of a gang. Lives are at risk.

Jessica is cute, she really is. With jet black hair, green eyes and an oval face.
But Blake says, 'I love her personality more than the looks'; as I read aloud from the phone.

He was really hesitant to start the relationship but I forced it. I also have a feeling that she has seen me with him, but to my luck hasn't questioned it.
Gangs are at a different side than the actual life. We shan't mix them.

I hope I could execute that.
But as said before there exists something called 'fate'.

-- I get up, and rinse my face by the cold water. After drying it off by a towel, I look into the mirror, surrounded by the same features Linda has; the straight light brown hair, perfectly set teeth, perfect eyebrows, dark brown eyes and a symmetrical face.

We look exactly the same except the extreme dark bags I have got under my eyes. Stress and lack of sleep does that to you.

Just as I was about the leave the washroom, I face the little sculpture Caleb gave me on my birthday. Which was exactly 3 months 14 days before his birthday, the day I gifted him death.
He had said that he had been up all night making it, and as for the artist he was; he successfully created a sculpture of him side hugging me.

I was and still ain't a very physical touch person. I prefer distances, rather than being all touchy and kissing at no particular point. 'hugging' is one of the only touches I find appropriate; and Caleb understood that.

All we had ever did was kiss each other, that too only twice in my 7 month relationship. One, on my birthday and second, on his.

I grab the sculpture, and hold it in my hands.
I know Linda didn't mean all that what she said, but whatever she said was true. I am an evil bitch, a stupid but not stupid piece of shit.
But the truth is, I loved Caleb. I really did.

I loved having picnics with him and fighting over the last sandwich...which always I won as he himself gave up...handing it to me and looking at me while I ate it.

I still remember the day I saved him from the prick Dash. The bully.
Usually it's the boy that saves the girl, but we reversed it.

Due to the involvement in gangs, I am an excellent fighter, and it really was a piece of cake to defeat Dash. All he needed was a punch in his face.
Not to mention that led to nose bleeding.

Caleb was the first person I told about my involvement in the gangs.
I still remember the reaction.

He didn't shout, scream or laughed at me, nor looked at me the way others did when I told them.
His face was calm, but I could see the loads of emotions going on.

He raised his arm and I was sure he was going to hit me. After all, I had put my life AND his in grave danger.
But, he hugged me.

I felt loads of emotions inside me, a feeling of relief, worry, happiness and sorrow all at the same time.
I hugged him back.

We were in the same position for a long time, and I would say, it did make feel better; loads better.
I was relieved that I am not alone in my journey, I have him on my side. To hold my hand and make me remember that troubles can be shared.

But, we know the rest.

My gun killed him. If I was careful, and hadn't left it on the table, he wouldn't have died.
And that too by my sister. Linda lovette Parker.

I couldn't have felt worse, I had lost my boyfriend and my sister at that day.

** I bury my face in my hands and weep.
Weeping for me is quite common nowadays, I do that every other day. And today is special, I met Linda.
How can't I?

I see the bottle of alcohol in front of me, but the site of it just makes me puke. After all, that was the thing that dragged me in here.

Yeah, I was an alcoholic. I couldn't stand a meal without it. I always needed a glass of wine or beer before and after a meal.
That was the thing that led me to Jerome. He saw me and...

And I begin weeping again.

** I lie on my bed again, determined to get some sleep. It's been such a long time since I last slept a proper sleep for 7 hours.
I always have to be alert.

I again face my gun, which is kept on the table. I just wish I could use it to get back to Caleb. He would understand me, he would get me.

He'd hold me in his arms until I stopped crying. And I want to live that again.

I move towards the gun and pick it up. I place it on my forehead, my hands shaking as always.
Yeah, this isn't the first time I have tried to shoot myself, but I always fail.

I finally give up, and place it back down. I can never do this.
I such a cunt, I can kill others so easily, without a flinch; but when it comes to me, I tremble.

I haven't seen a person more selfish than me.

I am not always this criticizing of myself, but after I found this out, I have constantly been highly sulking.

What I found out?

Oh that was that our parents, which me and Linda thought had died of a car crash, didn't actually die so.

They were killed.