Hermitcraft Prank War: The Stageplay

The Prank War: Scene 16

(Ren and Doc enter. Ren is holding his luggage)

Ren: Tomorrow, I'll be laying on the beaches of South Africa. I'll be gone for 2 weeks. When I return, I want to see a solid headquarters, an army, and a plan. You got that?

Doc: Uh-huh.

Ren: Cause when I come 

[In the tune of Hermitgang]

back, got some things I wanna say

Doc: Yeah?

Ren: Don't wanna spit bars in a puny base

Doc: 'kay

Ren: When you finally fight, I'll be there at the bay ('ight)

I guess it's my time to say goodbye

(exiting) Peace!

Doc: Bye!

(Doc exits)

(Grian, Iskall, Stress, Cleo, Joe, Tango, and Jevin are in Iskall's war basement. Displayed on a chalkboard are Hermit heads. To the right side are Grian, Iskall, Stress, Cleo, Joe, Tango, and Jevin heads labeled 'ALLIES'. To the left side are Doc, Xisuma, Impulse, False, Ren, and Wels heads labeled 'ENEMIES'. In the middle are Mumbo, Zedaph, Biffa, TFC, Cub, Scar, and Python heads labeled 'NEUTRAL')

Grian: Hello everybody. I've summoned you here today in Iskall's doomsday room to bring up a major issue on the server right now. So as you can see, Iskall has put together a little list of all the hermits on the server. In the middle are neutral players, and on the right is their team. Not sure if they have a name yet. Their team has Doc, X, Impulse, False, Ren, and Wels. And we all have our own reasons for them to be on that team.

(The (future) G-Team murmurs in agreement)

Grian: Wait- Jevin, why are you here?

Jevin: Uh... I kinda helped on the Hall of Atonement? And.... and... yeah.

Stress: You just wanted to join because it looked fun, didn't you, Jevin?

Jevin: Yeaaaah I did.

Grian: Glad to have you on our side. So because of a series of events leading us to get together, everyone in this room is part of one team against their team. Do we all agree that we're all allies?

All: Agreed / Uh-huh / Yep.

Jevin: Under one condition! We need a super sweet team name.

Grian: I have a pretty cool idea. I suggest "The G-Team." Now, hear me out: EVERYONE in this room has a G in their name! Grian, Tango... You see, it all works!

G-team members: Uh... 

Grian: ZombieGleo, iGevin, Gressmonster, Iskalleightyfive, Goe Hills. It works so well!

Jevin: I gotta say, it really rolls off the tongue! I'm liking it.

Iskall: It's memorable and it targets all of us.

Cleo: (while having a laughing fit) I see a hole in your logic-

Grian: What do you mean, ZombieGleo? Are you in denial about your G?

Cleo: (bursting of laughter) Alright, alright!

Grian: And the added bonus is that we can go into the headquarters and be like 'what's up G!' It works so well!

Iskall: We can even say GG! GG G-team!

Grian: You're a genius, Iskalleightyfive! What do you think, Goe hills?

Joe: I haven't been able to comprehend anything in the past 5 minutes but other than that I'm fine.

Grian: What do you think, iGevin?

Jevin: I am SO for that!

Grian: The G-Team it is!

(Transition to the inside of the Stock Exchange vault. The chalkboard labels get switched. Enemies are now 'Allies' and allies are now 'Enemies'. The (future) Team Star enters)

Doc (to team:) So, I've heard some rumors that we actually haven't been robbed.

Xisuma: We haven't?

Doc: Yeah! Rumors that said that the diamonds were still in the stock exchange, but hidden in a chest. And I found something... (pulls out a hidden chest) Ta-da! And here-

(Beat)

False: Doc, this is an empty chest.

Impulse: Were you expecting all the diamonds to be there?

Doc: Yep...

Wels: Wait, so Tango and Grian actually took the diamonds?

Doc: Pretty much. Well, I guess the war's not over yet.

Xisuma: Look at it in this perspective, Doc. All of us here have basically been robbed!

Doc: Robbed, pranked, or just randomly roped in. Right, Wels?

Wels: Yeah, pretty much.

Xisuma: I believe we should form an alliance to take down these evil robbers. All 5 of us.

Impulse: And Ren, too! Right? Or is he on vacation already?

Doc: Ren's going on holiday. But last night, he gave me a long speech. He told me 'Doc, when I come back from vacation. I want to see a solid headquarters and a plan.' Since all of us are team now, I think we should fulfill his wish.

Xisuma: There's still some wildcards on the server. Maybe we can rope one or two of them into our team before it's too late?

Doc: Before we do that, we need a team name. We need a base. We have to get a head start and a clear plan. We need to strike well-coordinated because right now everything is chaos. We've already seen this war's first casualty. Poultry Man's chicken, Sally.

Wels: She died?

Doc: (shrugs) Well... I DID rig it to kill Sally if someone tried to rescue her. So yeah.

(Beat)

Doc: I know a good place where we can put a base. False, Wels, you're in charge of base layouts. Let's go.

(All exit except Doc)

Doc: As the last member of the New Hermit Order, it's my duty to keep it alive. All of them left me in season 5. I even left Hermitcraft partway through season 5. But me? I came back. Etho, Beef, Bdubs- all gone with barely any chances of them returning. When they left, they gave me no instructions, just a legacy to protect. Let it be known I went through the mesa turf war once and I'm not afraid to go through one again. What's it like, Grian? To be young, fresh out of Evo, ready to make your mark on this server? I see the ambition in your eyes. You have nothing to lose. And I respect that. But when you mess with the bush, you mess with me. And when you mess with me, you mess with the NHO. I'll douse the flames that they shoot at this leviathan! I'll deflect their arrows! I'll dodge their tridents! I'll drink their lava!  I'll marinate a plumber! I'll-

Scar: (flipping through script) Doc, this goes on for 8 pages.

Doc: Fuck you, I'm brooding!

Cub: Enjoy the intermission, folks!

Doc: Hey! I wasn't finished! 

INTERMISSION