The Ruined Rainbow

CHAPTER 36

Quote: Humse door jaoge kaise, Dil se hum mein bhulaoge Kaise ... hum woh khushboo hai Joh saason mein bastein hai, khud ki saason ko rok paoge Kaise

How can you stay away from me and go, how can your heart forget me ... I am that fragrance which lives in the breath, how will you stop your breath

-Fanaa (2006)

Ayesha

They say when you are unable to make a decision, listen to your heart. You will get an answer.

Did my heart already have an answer? Yes, it did. And was that answer selfish of me? I don't know and don't even want to know.

That definitely sounds very selfish of me.

The reason for my promise is that I was feeling elated. My heart seemed to be that one sensible organ in the world, which had fought and exhibited control over me and had taken me to my wishes and desires.

But what about the company? The other voice protested in my head.

*

A week later,

I had to tell my decision to the principal today by evening. Though my heart eased and accepted the fact that I must do as I desire, I felt myself in a raging battle. I felt as if I know what I wanted to do, but didn't dare to do so. The courage in me was falling, but my heart refused to change its desire. It felt like I was locked in a dark room, knowing where the exit was. But every time I stepped closer to the door, the darkness would engulf me with ambivalence and doubts.

Deciding between what you want and don't is not that difficult compared to determine the best among two right decisions and the worst among two bad choices. Again, I have no idea where I am standing exactly.

The company had to be handed over to someone, but whom? I had chosen desire over obligation, true. But that didn't mean that I could forget my duties completely. The responsibilities had to be fulfilled. Without which, even though for a crazy moment, I had listened to her heart, the rest of the life I would spend it with regret and guilt. I was guilty and regretted my heart's decision even now, but with a much peaceful protest.

I think I am going crazy, am I not?

And for my sake, I decided to go out in the fresh air, to at least soothe my mind and heal it's anguish and stabs of guilt.

As soon as I stepped out, I breathed. The air inhaled rushed into my veins and calmness swept into me. Apart from the fact that my mind was stabbing me every minute, I felt calming and quiet.

Vinay Chacha had not called her after the last phone call. He had just texted me, And I felt grateful for that. At least At least, I didn't have to talk to him feeling iniquity biting her back. Sahil, on the other hand, had called her every day. I tried to speak to him, usually without the issues of the company interfering her talk. I felt like confiding in him, at least he would console me, and I would feel reassured. But for some reason, she didn't.