Borahae (BTS reverse harem)✔️

So Far Away

Seattle

Like the unexpected zeros in my account, time also seems to be in surplus. I try to fill my days with as many distractions as possible yet it does nothing to help me forget. I feel like I'm in a perpetual holding pattern, unable to move forward, unable to take that next step. So I rely on routine to help make my time in Seattle more substantial. It's complete bullshit—you can't forget those who are unforgettable—but it seems to work. At least that's what I try to convince myself.

For starters, I move from my downtown hotel room to an extended stay suite a few blocks over. I'm still not sure whether or not I want to stay but at least I'm not hemorrhaging cash. I wake up around the same time every morning, which is no easy feat considering that jet lag is a bitch. I bathe, dress, make myself presentable, and then I take my newly purchased laptop to the little cafe on the corner. I check emails, search job listings, and just to torture myself, I check on the guys. I know...stupid. But there doesn't seem to be any harm in it. Because for the last month, the guys have been gone.

The notice was posted by Big Hit over three weeks ago. The members would be taking a short hiatus for rest and relaxation after completing promotions. They planned to spend time with their family and friends, work on new music projects, and just be regular 20-something year old guys.

I want to be happy for them—they deserve this. But a big part of me aches because I know that I probably had something to do with that decision. I worry about them constantly, wondering if they're eating and taking care of themselves. Wondering if they are as distraught as I am and hoping like hell that they aren't. I don't want them to suffer. I knew they'd probably be sad for a while, but I can't imagine them feeling as low as I do. I can't fathom them merely existing through their days as empty shells only to lay in bed every night and cry themselves to sleep.

It's been a month. And I haven't seen their faces, heard their voices, or even read a tweet constructed by them. It's as if they've disappeared. The fandom has gone stir crazy and every other day they trend something that gives me a glimmer of hope when I log on only to have that hope obliterated. I feel like we've all been left in a state of famine and we're just desperate for crumbs at this point.

And then there are the disbandment rumors. I know better than to believe everything I read but I can't help the doubt that settles in the pit of my stomach to even imagine them not being together as seven. They are each other's destiny. I used to think they were mine too.

It's another day of the regimen, but I must admit, it isn't all bad. As luck would have it, the cafe near my suite is run by a Korean family who insisted on adopting me after my third visit. I told myself I only frequented the quaint mom and pop establishment because of the convenience and free wifi, but in all honestly, I miss Korea. I miss the food, the people, even the language. So it's no surprise that one day, as the owner was setting down my lunch of bibimbap before me with a friendly "Manhee deuseyo," I reflexively replied with, "Jal meokgesseumnida!" accidentally tipping her off to the fact that I could speak some Korean.

From that point on, she insisted I call her imo and wanted to know all about my travels to her home country. Of course, I left out the part about my involvement with seven of the hugest celebrities in all of Asia. But I had to admit, it was nice to talk about my time there. It made me feel closer to the guys. And it made me feel like I was less alone and a little less disconnected from all that I'd grown to love and cherish.

I've just settled in at my usual table by the window and pulled out my laptop to try to get some work done. I've decided that the best thing to do with my newfound wealth is to invest it. But not in myself or even for profit. I think about the boys, their message, and their desire to uplift and encourage those most vulnerable to societal pressures. I don't have the influence that they have, but I can start small. Even if I don't make a huge impact, I want to put some good out in the world. They'd like that. Just knowing that they'd approve puts a smile on my face.