Letters and Murmurs

Chapter Sixty-Eight: Cold

"Do you know how long we have been out here?" Ryleigh said laughing at me as I climbed a tree.

"No? I feel like I am about 13 again though. Do you remember when we would walk on the edge of the bridge and try and re-enact Peter Pan?" I said giggling.

I felt so carefree at the moment as Ryleigh's phone began to ring. It was Zack from what I saw on the caller ID. There was no way to tell though unless she answered it.

"Do you want me to answer?" Ry asked as I shrugged hanging from a branch.

"I mean it is your phone. I don't know up to you. It could be very important," I wagged my finger at her as she pushed it away giggling to answer Zack's call.

"Yeah, I am with her. Yes, we are fine Zachary. Yes. Okay. I don't know... Tell Brendon she is an adult?" Ryleigh said and walked away from me for a few seconds.

I stood up and pointed toward the way we came to Ryleigh. She nodded and walked a few feet behind me staying on the phone with Zack until we rounded the corner for my grandmother's place. T.K and Carlos's car was still there. As I walked in I heard them laughing and talking. Well, mainly I heard T.K talking. T.K was always the really shy and quiet soul from what I remember of him. I guess he finally broke out of that shell. Everyone stopped talking when they saw me. Jack got up to say something to me as I smacked him hard and pushed him.

"You want to be single? Be single then," I seethed while taking off T.K's jacket.

"Thank you for letting me borrow it. I am now going to go change out of these clothes. I will ask about those keys and you know everything will be hopefully settled soon. I hope to see you both soon. Carlos, please keep T.K in line. T.K don't get shot again okay?" I said before patting his chest and causing him to laugh and them both to crush me in a hug.

"Oh, little itty bitty Loggie monster!" Carlos said and I groaned hoping he wouldn't remember that name.

"Man I forgot we called you that at the station for days on end!" T.K said as I shooed them out the door.

Alex was sitting with Uno cards in his hand and people were sitting in a circle. I noticed there was no room for me. I saw everyone as in their own little conversations again as I went upstairs to my room to change clothes and shower. I felt sticky from the soda that was thrown at me.

"You know you didn't have to slap me?" Jack startled me as I growled.

"Get out," I said and Jack refused to move. I grabbed my bag and went across the hall to the bathroom.

I shut the door throwing my bag in front of it before turning the shower to the hottest setting and jumping in. I stood in the shower crying for probably 10 minutes not just at the pain from the hot water but from the pain of losing Jack. It was like every promise we had ever made was a lie. Maybe I was no longer worth his time? Maybe he finally saw what everyone else sees, what I see?

I shut off the water and put on a pair of pajama pants before going downstairs into the kitchen where mom and dad were with my grandma. They were all speaking in hushed tones. I shut the refrigerator a little too hard forgetting the door was pretty heavy and didn't require much of a force to close.

"Hey baby," mom said as I shrugged.

"Hi, I guess. Sorry, I yelled and shoved you dad.

Dad just looked at me while mom elbowed him. Finally, dad got up and hugged me tightly. I hugged him back just as tight putting my head into his chest. I inhaled his scent and exhaled through my mouth.

"I wasn't mad at you. I was mad at what happened it was wrong of me to take it out on you. Also after much deliberation and T.K and Carlos telling the full story. We know for a fact you didn't throw the drink the girl was just claiming you and probably threw a drink on herself and blamed you. There is also a video of you getting a drink thrown on you but it never showed you throwing one back," dad almost sounded a little disappointed while he spoke.

"Logan we want you to stand up for yourself honey," mom said and my grandma nodded.

"I really just want to go home. Grandma it has been lovely seeing you and I promise I will come back soon I just really miss home. I miss Pen and Bogart," I said and looked at my feet lying.

It was a complete lie. I did miss the dogs dearly. I missed my room with my own painting on the walls and the ceiling. I missed people who were not alive and it was haunting me being here. I had nightmares every night we had been here so far. This would be the first night though I wouldn't have Jack to talk to after them though.

"Lo, are you okay?" Mom said getting up to feel my face and head.

"Yeah, just a little homesick. I will see you in the morning to say goodbye before we leave," I said and kissed each of their cheeks goodnight.

I walked into the living room and waved to everyone who was playing cards. They all seemed to be in better moods except Jack. Zack noticed me waving before waving back. He wanted me to come and join the game.

"Come on Logan. Come play," He said and I shook my head not saying a word but turning up the stairs.

I climbed up the stairs and sat there listening to my friends have fun without me. I couldn't help but feel like this was what tour was like without me there. I closed my eyes and thought of every possible scenario in my head. Ryleigh came and sat with me for a moment.

"You know just because you guys broke up doesn't mean it has to be forever Logan?"

"What if he wants it to be forever? What if I want it to be forever?" I asked standing up and going into my room.

Ryleigh followed me but only for a moment before she noticed what I was doing. I wanted to pick a fight with someone. I wanted someone to care and just hold me. Ryleigh did was everyone does though, leave.

I stayed up for what felt like hours listening to the people downstairs before finally Lisa came up and sat on the bed and rubbed my arm. I looked at her from the corners of my eyes. I then went back to staring at the wall in front of me.

"Logan you know Jack loves you endlessly right? Alex and I used to have arguments like this and I mean look at us now," She said and tapped my arm lightly.

"I think this is really it though Lisa... It hurts so much," I whimpered as she pulled me up and hugged me tightly.

She didn't stay long though either. Alex came in knocking on the door asking if I was alright. I lied nodding my head and then he took Lisa and they went to bed. The nightmares came in like violent waves in a storm. I woke up trying to remember how to breathe with no one beside me. I stumbled down the hallway and toward where he laid asleep. I slid under the blanket beside him as his eyes flickered open.

"I love you, Logan Blake," He whispered so tirelessly.

I whimpered into his chest. This caused him to suddenly wake while I fought back more tears. Jack flicked on a light in the front room where he was staying. He turned on just enough light to make our way through the kitchen to the back porch where I turned on the back porch light.

Jack stood beside me for a long time wrapped in the warm embrace of a t-shirt and pajama pants. I was almost certain they were a gift from Matt though or he stole them off Matt. We stood outside in a bitter cold silence before I finally spoke.

"I can't do this without you. I don't want to do this without you. T.K and Carlos are gay Jack. I got a drink split on me. T.K gave me the only thing he knew would keep me warm that they had available. It was that or his shirt and then Carlos would have had an issue. Jack, it's you I want to be with. It's you who I want to wake up to and you I want to kiss goodnight. Let me tell you this fucking sucks and I don't want to do this alone. I can't do this alone," I whimpered and fought back the tears while he just stood there cold.

"I think we became too dependent on each other. I just want us to take a step back. We don't have to go back to being single just taking time away," Jack whispered before walking back in and leaving me out in the cold.

I don't know if I'd rather have a blizzard or a thunderstorm, either way, I am stuck out in the cold waiting for someone to fight for me.