Family Ties | JJK

58: Shatter Me

**

In the shower Yoongi lets the hot water run over him, steaming the air around his body and relaxing his tense muscles.

Waking up this morning he couldn't quite believe he really sent that tweet last night at 3 am. He considered deleting it, but the song almost had a million views already and the tweet too.

He knew fans were already making theories of who it could be, who the song was about, analysing the lyrics. Yoongi knew in his heart who it was for, and he knew Jimin would know too.

He could delete it, play dumb, pretend he never sent out a song to bare his soul to millions. But over breakfast he saw the twinkle in Namjoon's eye, the soft lines of Taehyung's face that had been frowning too much recently, sensed a change in the atmosphere, saw how much lighter the members were. And it made him realise how tense they had all been for him the past week.

So no.

He didn't delete the song from existence and pretend it never existed.

But that didn't stop him from being nervous.

Soaping his palms up he begins to drag slow circles over his pale chest an shoulders, letting his eyes drop closed he relaxes and breathe slowly, feeling a calm settle over his skin – that is until the curtain is yanked to the side and another body steps into the shower behind him making him jump and curse lowly.

"Do you remember," said Jimin, slipping into the shower completely behind Yoongi as the elder twists round and curses again seeing his golden skin and bright eyes, "when we were young..."

He wordlessness takes the soap from Yoongi and rubs it in his own palms, making bubbles he doesn't move his gaze from Yoongi's.

Yoongi wants to shout, ask him what the hell he was doing, he also is very aware of how naked they both are right now – he hadn't seen Jimin in days, and right now he can't take his eyes off from the other, his soft features, rosy lips and round cheeks, the slope of his shoulders and his strong chest that was glistening under the water.

Yoongi stood frozen, watching Jimin's body move under the droplets, strong muscle and sharp lines that blend with his soft eyes and softer self. Min Yoongi was enthralled.

He was only half-listening to what he was saying and it brought back to the present when Jimin nudges him softly, playfully rolling his eyes.

"Do you remember hyung?" Jimin asks lowly, eliciting a surprised grunt from the other as his eyes flick to his amused face, a smirk beneath his wide gaze knowing he had caught the elder looking at his body.

"Yeah," Yoongi admits, because he does, he remembers the dorm, the food - or lack of it, the training, the regime, the lack of sleep, the fear, the hopelessness... he remembers being young.

He can never forget.

The two look at each other, calm with an underlying tension in the air, electric and dangerous.

"I remember, why?" Yoongi breathes out.

"I remember when I would starve myself every night," Jimin admits and Yoongi hates that he can remember it with such detail, the bags under the eyes, the sore bones, long nights, self-hate and so much pain. He never wants to remember that Jimin, it hurts too much.

"Jimin I don't-"

But Jimin cuts him over, needing to explain why he was here, why he woke up this morning with a notification from Joon to check twitter and why he left the moment he finished listening, not wasting another moment away from the love of his life.

"I used to think I wasn't good enough, never good enough, I always had to do more. Practice more. Train more. Diet more..."His eyes drop, his soapy hands start to run over his chest and shoulders, Yoongi's fingers itch to touch but he doesn't.

Not yet.

Not when the moment feels like glass and to touch would be to shatter it beyond repair.

He can feel that Jimin needs this.

"I think I hated a lot of the parts of myself. It was hard, being idols so young, being so small with dreams so big. I used to think if I worked out more – if my body was better – if I looked better... That's what the group needed. I had to do it. It was my responsibility. So I didn't eat. I trained, and I trained more, I had a six-pack, a v line, strong arms, and back.... and I hated every part of me." He admits with a sigh, strong hands running over his body, feeling every curve and dip, remembering how he used to hate mirrors and taking his top off.

Yoongi stands under the spray of the shower, droplets covering them both as Jimin tells his story, mesmerised by the way his hands run over his skin.

"It's hard to explain, but I grew to resent myself. I was spiraling," he admitted, "with no way to stop... And then I ended up in hospital."

A sob lodges in his throat. Yoongi remembers that night. They had all been at the dorm. It's funny how a normal night can become ingrained into a memory in a single moment that changes it forever. Something that can never be forgotten.

That moment for Yoongi was when he heard the sound Jimin's body made when it hit the floor.

That moment was the sight of Jimin's body not moving from where he collapsed.

That moment was the feeling of absolute fear and helplessness.

Yoongi feels a shiver run through his body, his skin feeling cold beneath the hot stream of the shower.

"Why, why-" he chokes out brokenly, "why are you telling me this." Through wet eyes he looks at Jimin now, strong and handsome and soft and so perfect in every way.

"Because," Jimin says slowly, hands beginning to soap his lower belly, toned but no six-pack in sight now, "I love myself so much now hyung."

And god he says that with such pride that Yoongi wants to give him the stars and the ocean and a thousand kisses just to let him know he loves him just as deeply.

"Do you want to know the first time I felt beautiful hyung?" He asks, and Yoongi nods slowly.

"After I got out of the hospital, I felt like a failure, like I shouldn't be in the group," Yoongi gravitates forward; not being able to bear the thought of the group without Jimin, they wouldn't exist.

"One night, we were eating dumplings. And I had to eat but I felt sick after one bite and I couldn't do it and then you picked it up on the chopstick and fed me, telling me the story how your mom calls you a fried dumpling because of your cheeks," a laugh slips out of Yoongi and he puffs his cheeks out comically to the inactive the story Jimin tells.

It's funny, Yoongi can't remember the time Jimin is speaking about, but he lived it, and look how important it was to Jimin without him even knowing it.

"You poked my cheeks and called me cute and said I had grown up round and well."

Yoongi smiles at the memory, he can imagine himself saying it because it was true.

Jimin looks at him through long lashes, eyes intense "Even then, you saw me how I couldn't, and even now, you still do, you see inside me."

"I –"

Yoongi tenses. Feels the air like glass, so delicate, each word pressing down harder, threatening to shatter.

Jimin watches him and breathes slowly, their bodies lean into one another, so much heartbreak and pain leading up to this moment...

"I  listened to your song hyung."

...

**