Jily one shots

My, thats a might long wand you have there

Disclaimer: written by @marauder number fiive
(There's no smut in this chapter or anything don't worry)

Sirius was walking down the Transfiguartion Corridor whistling a merry little tune. He had just accompanied the lovely Kelly Stevenson back to the Ravenclaw Tower after a very enjoyable snog. All he needed was a trip to the kitchens to satisfy his appetite and yet another perfect night be complete.

So there he was walking by an empty classroom when he heard it. A feminine voice saying, "My, that's a mighty long wand you've got there Potter."

"Intimidate you?" he heard his best friend ask the girl flirtatiously.

"Go Prongsie!" Sirius whispered to himself as he backtracked to the door to listen in on his friend and the girl.

The girl snorted and said, "You wish Potter." He could almost hear the smirk in her voice. James was gonna get lucky! He couldn't wait to tease him about this later.

There were several minutes of silents, save for a couple of bangs. The next person to talk was James again and he was panting. "Damn Evs, you sure know your way with a wand."

WHOA. JAMES WAS WITH EVANS? WHY DIDN'T HE ALREADY KNOW THIS? HE'D HAVE TO KILL HIM FOR KEEPING IT A SECRET! Once he got all the details of course.

...Unless this was a random hook-up. Then it was perfectly acceptable and James would live. But only if Sirius still got all the details.

"I know," Lily answered. She was panting too. "Plenty of practice."

Who knew that Lily got around so much?

"Really? Who did you practice with?" James was panting much harder now. Evans must be good.

"S-severus." Lily didn't falter here, but was panting so hard that she stuttered a little. Sirius was completely shocked. He didn't know that Snivellus had it in him to shag Lily!

James replied with a particuraly loud grunt. "Well as much as I hate the git, I must say he taught you quite a lot."

"Hey! Don't give him all the credit!" Lily puffed. "I practice plenty on my own. Alice and I do this together all the time!"

'Now that's hot,' Sirius thought to himself. 'Evans and Hilard on each other...I've got to ask to join sometime.'

While Sirius was musing about the threesome, there were more loud bangs coming from behind the door. Still picturing himself between Lily and Alice, Sirius was broken out of his daydream by Lily shouting, "Ooohhh James!"

James gasped out, "Lily look what you've done! You got McGonagall's desk all wet! And just look at the chair, it's soaking!"

"Well I'm sorry!" Lily hissed while trying to catch her breath. "I didn't expect you to be able to move your head out that fast...I thought you were tired!"

"Don't doubt my stamina," James stated seriously. "I'm James Potter I can do anything. But if it makes you feel better you just barely got the tip of my head wet."

"It does satisfy me a little," Lily said tiredly. "Now could you do me a favor and move over a little...yes...just like that."

There was a moment of silence and then, "DAMMIT LILY THAT HURT!" James shouted. "WATCH WHERE YOU STICK THOSE THINGS, THEY'RE SHARP!"

Lily giggled and answered, "I know."

Sirius decided that this would be the most awkward situation of the night and thought it was a good time to barge in. Pulling out his camera, he gently opened the door and stepped in. What he saw was not what he expected at all.

James and Lily were standing on opposite sides of the room, wands raised at each other. With his other hand James was clutching his his arm which was bleeding slightly. The tips of his hair were dripping with water, as was McGonagall's desk and chair. Sticking out of the wall behind James were hundreds of tiny spear-like woodchips.

Lily and James did not notice Sirius's entrance and he was hit with two silent spells at once. Immediately, he was stupified and grew purple facial hair all over his face.

James, totally and completely surprised by the sudden appearance of his best friend let his guard down for half a second. Lily took this chance to rid him of his nose and stupify him.

Leaving the two boys in the empty classroom, she started to whistle the same merry tune she had heard Sirius whistle before and went to tell Remus where his idiots were.

The Next Day...

The birds were singing and the sun was shining. It was a beautiful day out. All was peaceful and right in the world. Seriously, nothing could ever spoil this wonderful harmony because -

"GOD DAMMIT WOMAN WATCH IT!" Never mind. Sirius Black has accomplished the impossible. Yet again.

"Now Mr. Black if you would please sit still I can send you back to enjoy your Saturday!" Madam Pomfrey shouted over the teenager.

"I'M IN A GREAT DEAL OF PAIN HERE!" he hollered even louder.

"Well what do you expect getting caught between the best two duelers in the school?" the mediwitch asked him. "Really, why on Earth would you ever enter that room. By the sounds of it, it was rather obvious what they were doing."

"They were supposed to be shagging," Sirius pouted sadly.

Three beds over a deep voice came, "Psh. I wish."