Jily one shots

If we only die once (part 1)

Disclaimer: written by @apalapucian

A/N: okay this story is rlly rlly rlly sad but that's all g and it's in 5 parts so yeah but I HAD to share it so here

She's read the article four times in a row now, but her eyes stay glued to the paper. Her fingers don't shake. Funny. Her left hand doesn't grip the mug tight either. And she ought to, she thinks, she ought to, doesn't she; after all, she's got to find some way to channel the... this. Whatever it is. What even is this? It feels... hollow. Her body's gone numb. Is this limbo? Oh god, she's losing it. Something's starting to whir in her brain, something she's worked long and hard to turn off. She can feel it slowly reverbrate back to life. She's scared. She knows why it's there, she knows what it's saying, and she's scared she may finally give in to it. But her fear seems to have just knuckled down on her heart rate. No shaking this time. No lashing out. No biting her lower lip in apprehension. Her heart, just her heart, has gone absolutely, beyond control erratic. She's going to break here, now; Merlin, she's brittle, and it's cold, and something... something is falling inside of her, or trying to gnaw its way out-but why then is everything else so still-?

"Evans?" Sirius calls from across the table.

She raises her head up a second too late to pass for nonchalance. "Yeah?"

"You okay?"

"Spectacular."

"You're sort of pale," Remus says from her right.

"No, yeah, I'm fine." She drops the paper and takes a sip of her coffee. Her movements are too precise. Her eyes shift too often. Her fingers too dainty. There's a lump in her throat that she's struggling not to swallow.

Stop it, Evans. Stop it. It's not-

"Lily." Sirius again.

"Yes?" Does she always sound like that?

Sirus doesn't answer, however, so she puts down her cup to raise an eyebrow at him. He's watching her closely, frowning, chewing on the inside of his lower lip. Then he turns to Remus, who shifts in his seat and takes the floor for him.

"Lily, I know what you're thinking," Remus begins, "but you have to know that James's dad has been having these opposition problems in the ministry for a while, and it's none-"

"No, I know." She smiles at them. It frightens her how easy the pleasant expression comes, how determined she is to hide this from them.

"Yeah?" asks Sirius.

She nods. "Don't worry."

"Okay."

"So... are they going to take longer?" she asks, glancing at her watch. "I have to go up soon and cram some more details for a Charms essay."

"Not sure. James promised Peter he'd help him talk to McGonagall about that partner of his; he got paired with this awful Slytherin for that long-term project thing, git's got a vendetta against... Evans, are you sure you're okay?"

She's started picking at her food with her fork, the silence egging the panic on to slowly catch up to her. "I'm fine, Black. Just... antsy. There's this-erm, this test later, and I haven't-"

"It's not you, alright?" says Sirius firmly. "This-" he reaches over to stab a finger on the newspaper, "-isn't you."

"Yeah," she says. She can feel Remus's eyes on her. "Yeah, I know that."

But she doesn't. And it is her fault.

"Heard your boy toy's father lost his position in the ministry, Evans-where would you fish your galleons now?"