𝐒𝐩𝐥𝐢𝐭│𝐒𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐞𝐧 𝐦𝐮𝐥𝐭𝐢𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩 𝐚𝐮 ✓

78

Healina

"Because I can't love you."

As the words fell from his lips, Joshua sobbed harder, digging his nails tightly into Seokmin's back. He was on the verge of a panic attack, mumbling 'I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry' and various iterations.

Seokmin didn't know how to feel, was he meant to be mad? Throw a fit and say it's not good enough or did he comfort the boy who had just broken down his world with five words?

He let out a long sigh, "Shua it's okay, I should be the one apologising," Of course Seokmin went with the latter, pushing his own feelings aside for the sake of his friend. "When you feel up to it if you could give me a reason why that'd be nice but for now just breathe, we've had enough sadness recently for you to be crying over this," Seokmin forced out a light chuckle.

And that's how they stayed for a long time, the boy who was always so orderly and logical crumbling into a helpless pool in the arms of Seokmin for a second time that year. He never used to be like this, he was the calm and collected one that made sure everyone was doing well, their grades were up and spirits where high.

Last year he didn't mind how affectionate Jeonghan was around him, he was rather indifferent to it actually since he saw it as a natural process to want to be close to your friends, it didn't affect anything too much so it was safe and okay.

Building on that, it made sense to Joshua that since he was at an age where he was expected to date and grow into a mature adult he would have someone by his side, that someone would logically be Jeonghan. Did he love him? He thoughts so, love was meant to be that you care about someone and enjoy their company of which he did so a seemingly perfect match.

When the system stopped him in his tracks he had to reevaluate everything, what did he do wrong to make Jeonghan leave? Was he really the one that deserved the soft blue eyes when it was his fault for not seeing all the signs? In his mind, no.

Seokmin had always been there, he knew it was healthy to have a friendship group consisting of more than two people so it was nice to have him there, another person to support academically and plus he was kind, Joshua could learn from him.

However, Seokmin was never part of the future in his mind, more of a nice childhood friend who he expected to distance from and then message years later for a friendly chat when they had acquired a stable job and a family, that was Seokmin.

This changed when Jeonghan left, Seokmin became a strange figure in his humble life plans, not quite fitting into an exact spot. He was selfless and ready to help Joshua in any way he could, ready to help anyone in any way he could. He came to realise the reason Seokmin didn't seem to fit in a specific place anymore was because he didn't fit at all, he exposed Joshua's vulnerable side with ease and accepted it like it was nothing.

He was already perfect, Joshua could offer him nothing.

It was more selfishness than anything that kept Joshua spending time with Seokmin, he always had a nice time with the younger and some part of him felt it was important to stay, even if Seokmin was all give and he was all take.

He was recovering but he wasn't really sure if he missed Jeonghan or the idea of Jeonghan, the endearing boy with the perfect grades who balanced him out well, they fit together like puzzle pieces. Seokmin was the opposite of Joshua in many ways, he didn't care about achieving the best grades but instead found his perfection in being the most emotionally intelligent person Joshua had ever met, he couldn't perceive how someone's brain could work like that.

Did Joshua have some sort of mental disorder? No, nothing like that but he just was very systematic. He took the strict rules of perfection enforced very seriously, developing a very logical mind that helped him to progress well, he still felt emotion he just didn't perceive it as useful so disregarded his heart in all matters.

And yet, with one action, one simple physical action, everything he thought, all his plans, had been blown away once again. He hadn't prepared for this, with all the bad things that had happened this year for him this was the tipping point, how was he meant to know what to do when he had no time to reorganise his thoughts that had been thrown out all over the floor in his head?

He couldn't love Seokmin because he didn't know how.

"Shua, it's getting late, do you want me to take you home?" Seokmin eventually spoke up. "Can I stay with you please, I don't want my mum seeing me in this state," He asked, barely above a whisper. Of course, Seokmin complied, pulling the boy up off the bench as he cleaned up the now very melted ice cream from their shoes. "We can work this out okay?" Seokmin reassured, taking his arm and leading him to his home.

Joshua was being selfish again, he knew it. He genuinely tried to care about things, other people and their concerns but he couldn't bring himself to be home alone in such a state.

"You take my bed, I'll sleep on the couch," Seokmin mumbled, he hadn't been able to properly look at Joshua their whole journey home, their hands still intertwined though as he was scared if they broke away he'd lose Joshua forever.

"No, come sleep with me, it's okay," Joshua mumbled, grabbing the hand slipping away with slightly more force and leading the younger up to the bedroom. They'd slept like this before but this felt very different.

"Look, we can just forget today ever happened if it will make you feel better," Seokmin said eventually, he was emotionally exhausted and the idea of dealing with this any longer was agonising. "No, I don't think that'll be necessary," Joshua said, pushing himself closer to Seokmin.

Their eyes finally met again, "Seok, can you do me a favour?" Joshua asked quietly, shifting the atmosphere completely. "Teach me how to love," He uttered out, lips ghosting dangerously close to Seokmin's as he spoke, this went against all his ideals but with his head empty he was forced to listen to his heart, a heart that was beating louder and louder, crying out for the boy with the sunshine smile.