Hard to love (J.JK)

Chapter 47

- Y/N's POV-

Say.....Do you know how it feels...to truly love someone dearly and suddenly....that person disappears from the world? 

It was a winter night...A cold winter night. A night that still comes to me in the shape of a nightmare. Ever since that day it felt like a part of me disappeared as well. Something hollow remained inside...I was able to laugh, to smile, to cry, but never to love anyone the same again. When you left I shielded my feelings away. I tossed them into a jar and put a lid over it. I didn't want to get hurt again. I didn't want to lose anyone like that again. I have been happy living like that ever since. Our memories that at first became painful eventually came to me as comfort. I didn't want them to disappear.....I didn't want to replace those memories. I didn't want to replace you. Your scent, your kindness, your smile, your touch, your existence I didn't want to replace them. I never will.....I know I never will. 

But when I look at him and feel my heart beat like that, I get scared. If I reach my hand out to him....Will I forget you?  I don't want too, so I never did. Even in times when I wanted to reach out. When I wanted to comfort him. When I wanted to be held by him I took a step back instead of forward. Because you remained behind me.....looking in front of me I didn't see you. I see someone else. Someone....who I want to be with. Will I hurt you? I'm hurting him....I'm hurting myself. I just never noticed it.....

June 20.......Changmin it's the day you left me. I'm back in Gwangju...I visited our high school...I went to our favorite places. The library where we used to study, the restaurant we went to eat at a lot, the park....where you kissed me for the first time and right now....I'm looking at your name engraved into a stone, letting my thoughts wander around. 

''Tell me....'' I felt my legs weaken causing me to meltdown to the ground. Tears blurred my vision while my finger brushed against his name. 

''How do I let you go.....'' Will you hate me if I let go? Will you hate me...if I start a new love? I don't wanna feel like betraying you. Ever since I came here....these past 2 months....Jungkook keeps flashing into my mind. I keep thinking about him, worrying about him......I want to be able to return his feelings. I want to be with Jungkook and make our relationship work, but the lid on my jar is holding all my feelings inside and...I can't open it. 

''You're really cruel don't you think.....leaving me like this....Why am I the one suffering?'' What am I even saying? I have no control anymore..... My tears wouldn't stop staining my face, having no one around made it even harder to hold myself in. 

Feeling a sudden warmth on my left shoulder made my body freeze. Changmin? It can't be...Without hesitation, I turned around my eyes widened and more tears started to fall. 

''J-Jungkook......'' I muttered through my tears. He was dressed in a black suit in his hands a bouquet with flowers. Am I imagining things? No words were able to leave my mouth. He squatted down in front of me, no words left his mouth either. Just his eyes staring at me and his hands wiping away my tears. It was in that moment that I felt it. A warm hand landing on my back applying force. It was like getting a soft push from behind causing me to fall forward against Jungkook. Both of us falling over on the soft grass ground around us, with me on top of him. As I lost balance Jungkook was quick to toss the bouquet to the side wrapping his arms securely around me. Now we were just laying here, him on his back while I buried my face in his chest. I can't face him.....

There was only silence between the two of us. I somehow managed to get myself together and stopped crying, but I didn't dare to move. I felt my mouth widen feeling his hand land on top of my head, gently stroking its way down repeating its actions. My heart started picking up its pace and I could hear Jungkook his beating rapidly as well. 

''You can cry if you want too. Just let it all out....'' he finally spoke up. Tears started to build again but this time because of his voice. I never thought I would miss his voice so much. As well as his scent, his touch, his large hands, and his muscular body. I didn't say anything and just remained quiet once more. 

''W-Why are you here...'' I muttered softly finally words were able to leave my mouth, but they came out soft. 

''To see you....Your friend Chanhee told me about what day it is today. So I came here to pay my respect but it seems you were here as well.'' I felt my hands clutching onto his clothes. Why now? Does Jungkook still like me? What If I'm too late? After all, isn't it selfish of me to suddenly tell him about my feelings right now? Do I even have that right.....No....I'm doing exactly what Kuroo talked about. Thinking with my head.....I should just use my heart. 

Once again silence fell as Jungkook continued stroking my head. 

''The divorce papers....You never send them'' 

''I-I didn't fill them in'' I pushed myself off his chest ready to face him this time. My hands rested beside his face but the moment our eyes locked I felt tears building once again. I really missed him.....I'm just a big idiot for realizing that only now.

''D-Do you still love me?'' My words came out in a shaky breath while I watched my tears drop down on his cheek. His eyes widened but no reply came from him. Instead, his hand reached for the back of my head guiding it to his neck letting it rest. 

''Idiot.....If you're going to cry just cry'' By those words I found myself sobbing once again. 

Silence once more entered.

''I do...'' his gentle voice whispered down to me. I need to stop crying...I should talk to Jungkook properly. 

''Jungkook I....'' Once again I got myself out of his embrace this time I sat myself up. Jungkook did so too getting his back off the ground, he was still facing me. He was looking at me I could feel it but I couldn't meet his eyes. I was starring at my hands that were gripping onto my clothes.

''I'm.......''

''I love you.'' His sudden words caught me off. Briefly managing the courage to look at him I noticed his eyes looking passed me to the gravestone behind me. 

''Is it bad of me to feel jealous? Whenever I think of you and him being together it makes me jealous. Just to know that you were in a relationship with someone. Someone that isn't me. You know during these 2 months I was busy with the company but I also had time to think. I made my own decision...'' His fingers brushed against my cheek before tugging some of my strands behind my ears. A smile was appearing on his face. 

''It's okay if you don't love me back, it's okay if you divorce me. These feelings of mine.....They won't change. I love you Y/N, I won't leave you....It's okay to hurt me or discard me. I'll keep coming back anyway.'' 

''Jungkook.....Do you know how it feels...to truly love someone dearly and suddenly....that person disappears from the world?'' His fingers gently held onto mine while his eyes softened at my question. 

''Not 'The' world, but she did disappear from my world.'' His hands confidently held mine into his. 

''But this time...I won't let you disappear again'' He added. My eyes widened my heart started to ache, I started to feel all kinds of mixed feelings and something within me started to grow. Something.....started to fill up the empty space within me. 

The lid......it opened. 

In the end.....it wasn't about me opening it. It was about finding someone who could.

-TBC-