Beastars x reader (Season 1)

CHAPTER 56: FEAR IN THE DARK

Louis: You're a very brave girl, but learn to use you're courage in a not stupid way.

His words echo in my mind, as do the images in which he pointed a gun at me.

Louis: Otherwise you'd soon be dead.

When he threatened me, he seemed calm, like he was used to doing this, I mean, he did it to Bill too hours before doing it to me.  How many people have caught him? How many people has he threatened?

Has he ever followed through on his threats?  I don't know, but I don't want to find out. Since he put that gun to my face, I haven't said anything since.  I'm doing the same as last time. 

I thought if I saw a gun again, I'd know how to react better to this situation, but it wasn't like that... I just froze, I felt like a scared puppy again. I still do.

I look around, it's already dark.  It got late, we're all still here in the park.  Normally we leave around five in the afternoon, but this time we stayed longer since the festival's in two days, we have to finish some stuff, people are a little pressured. 

I look at my phone and see that it's already eight o'clock.  We should be leaving.

I put my violin in the case and get up.  Even though my violin has been out, I didn't rehearse this time. 

I've been terrified after my encounter with Louis.  It's the only thing I've been thinking about.. Just wasting my time.. freaking out like the puppy I once was...

I promised myself I'd never let fear take over me again, but what I've felt the most in these days, has been that stupid feeling.. How pathetic I am.

I walk around looking at the decorations arranged for the festival.  Everything's so colorful and beautiful at night, when it's illuminated by more than the stars and the moon.

I wonder how the meteor sculpture will look.. I remember that talk with Legoshi, I think I'd never been so close to him like that. 

Was I the only one who felt a spark between us?  Did he feel it?  I couldn't know what would have happened if Louis hadn't shown up..

I sigh exasperatedly with grunts and clench my clothes.  I've been so shocked by Louis's threat I haven't been able to go with Legoshi to confess my feelings for him, even if I've had time.

I'm SICK of my fears always stopping me.  I can't let my fears abound in me and prevent me from doing what I want to do. 

Fear is something I've tried not to feel, but it's always there. But it seems that if I don't live in fear, then I live with my instincts, which isn't nice either.  I must control them, both of them. 

There has been times when I live without fear or anger, those little moments when I feel like I can have a normal life. Moments like when I'm with Jack and Legoshi, when I play the violin, when I eat with Haru and when I talked to Juno.

Those little moments that have helped me feel good about myself.  Those moments that passed thanks to me taking the courage to do them. 

I summoned up the courage to defend Haru from those bullies.  I put aside my social anxiety to make friends with each one them.  I took the courage to ignore the threats, I learned to play the violin, and I had the courage to play it in public later.

I've made many decisions with fear, and with courage.  The question is... What decision will I take now, and with what?

Now, after Louis's case, being in front of that gun, made my concern to make a fool of myself in front of a boy I love look like something ridiculous..