Beastars x reader (Season 1)

CHAPTER 59: THE END IN FRIEND

Y/N: I don't know what you're talking about..

Legoshi: You really don't know? Do you need me to refresh your memory?

He approaches me seriously and coldly.  How does he know?  When did he found out?

Legoshi: The first night after Tem incident.  I was outside helping Louis rehearse with Zoe.. It was then that I met Haru...

I remember it, the first time I saw him... When I thought he might've been the one who killed Tem...

Legoshi: The day I met her... When she left, and I was going to enter the stage room... I smelled you...

I flinch and see Legoshi nervously.  My tail hides between my legs knowing that there's no way I can lie or avoid this talk.

Legoshi: I couldn't see you, because I came in a hurry but I knew someone had seen me.. And that wasn't the last time I perceived your smell.

I stay silent, thinking about what to say, and letting him finish the story about what I did to him, and about my intentions.

Legoshi: The next day, when I yelled at the canines who were fighting in the cafeteria... I smelled you again, and that's when I saw you along with everyone... That's when I recognized you...

To be honest, I'd forgotten those moments until now, I'd forgotten the fear I had before I really knew him, and fell in love with him.

Legoshi: Then, you started to show up everywhere.  I saw you staring at me frequently and then you joined the drama club...

Was I really so obvious all this time?

Legoshi: You started hanging out with me quite a lot, even if I didn't talked to you in my life. And you approached to me only.

Y/N: All this time, have you been thinking that was the reason I befriended you?

Legoshi: I had my suspicions, but I gave you the benefit of the doubt.  I even included you along with Jack in our seats.  I thought maybe it wasn't like that, but then you come with this..

Really? Is he going to start doubting my intentions for this?!

Y/N: "Come with this?"  Come with what?  I'm telling you the truth, why are you bringing this up now?

Legoshi: What I'm saying is that you're not who I thought you were.  You pretended to be my friend to investigate me.. How do you want me to trust you?

Y/N: Oh come on, are you listening to yourself?  After everything we've done together, do you think I pretended all this time?!

I am frustrated to think that he believes that I never saw him as a friend, without knowing that I see him as more than that.

Legoshi: Well then tell me, is what I tell you true?  Tell me the truth.. Am I wrong?

I look at Legoshi's upset gaze, I stare at him and think of a way to explain everything... But now I can't.  I can't tell him how I really feel about him in a situation like this...

I keep quiet as I look at Legoshi guiltily, letting him know it's true.  Although it was only in the beginning... I was what I didn't want to become..

My own intuition, made me assume he was a monster, and I meddled in his life..

Legoshi: That's what I thought.

Hearing him talk this way, hearing him so upset with me, and treating me as a completely different person, arouses great anguish in me, where all I want is to justify myself, no matter the cost.

Y/N: Well what did you expect?!  After what happened to Tem, there was fear among all without knowing who the murderer is and suddenly I see you attack Haru!

I don't know if she can hear me from the cabin, but at this point, I just want him to understand me.

Y/N: After I saw you, it's obvious that I'd think you could be the murderer.  Besides, you know people treated me horrible because of this!  They saw ME as a monster!

I'm so upset I can't progress that I'm yelling at Legoshi, looking desperate trying to get him to believe me.

Y/N: YES I INVESTIGATED YOU!  But please understand!!  I just wanted to show people I wasn't what they thought!  I wanted to show them I wasn't a murderer so they could leave me alone!

I stop talking. What did I just say? I see Legoshi, who looks at me shocked. Yes, what he said is true, but I told him only the beginning.

I couldn't tell him the rest, how I changed my mind. How I think of him now, and my new intentions. I just made this worse.

I just hurt him, I can see the pain in his eyes when I said this, I can see... he feels betrayed...

Y/N: Legoshi I...

Legoshi: It doesn't matter.

I walk towards Legoshi, I want to apologize for what I said.

Y/N: No, listen to me, I-..

Legoshi: Stay away!

My heart sank upon hearing that.. His eyes show anger and pain.  While mine show fear and guilt.  After his gaze, he turns to looks down and grunts...

Legoshi: I don't care what excuse you have... I don't trust you.. I don't want you to come near me, or any of my other friends ever again..

My heart beats fast and I feel like it's sinking, there's a lump in my throat and I feel myself shrink at his warning.

Legoshi: I don't want you to be closer to Haru, or Jack, or me. If you do, I'll take care of you on my own.

His words make me realize, I didn't say the right things... This could have gone differently... But I, just made it worse by worrying about what they thought of me...

I hurt people... and that way they'll believe me less when I tell them the truth. I sabotaged myself.

Y/N: Legoshi, I'm sorry-..

Legoshi: Get out of here Y/N.

I try to get closer, I HAVE to change this.

Y/N: Legoshi please-..

Legoshi: GO AWAY!!

He puts himself in a threatening position and shows me his fangs... I gasp and startle when I see he's furious... There's no way to fix this... It's too late...

My heart sinks completely, I feel tears abound my eyes before falling when I realized that what he felt for me, wether  it's friendship or something else.. has disappeared.  What we could become... disappeared, but worst of all... is that what I felt for him did not. 

When I realize that I just lost everything because of me.. I run away.

I run so they don't see me cry, so they don't see my pain.. So they don't see the hatred I feel in myself.