Monday morning rolls around and the only thing I have on my mind is the fact we're exposing fears today. Mine used to be bees, but this weekend, the only fear on my mind is seeing Billie again.
"You're early today." she says as she walks in tossing her bag next to the podium. She's actively avoiding my gaze.
I muster up the courage to question her about it. "Did I do something wrong?"
She raises a brow, "Excuse me?"
"Nevermind." I roll my eyes and sigh, wishing I had never opened my mouth.
She walks over, takes the chair in front of me and turns it around to sit in it. "You don't get to do that here."
"Do what?" I scoff crossing my arms over my chest.
"You don't get to deflect and get defensive when I ask you to explain something." she says in the same tone she was using on Friday in her office. I swallow the lump in my throat and cross my legs, still avoiding the question. She leans forward in her chair and raises her brow once more.
I finally break. "I had asked you if I did something wrong, because... you won't look at me." I explain, feeling utterly stupid that I even let that come out of my mouth.
She purses her lips for a moment and pinches the bridge of her nose. "Believe me when I tell you I want to, I just-" she starts, but she's cut off by the chatter of students walking in. "My office after class." she says heading back to the front of the class, not giving me an option to say no.
Not that I'm complaining.
"Fear based emotions are stored in the amygdala. This small portion of the brain is responsible for the fight or flight response, mainly when exposed to things that invoke fear. What are some common fears?" Billie asks starting the lecture.
There's a myriad of answers: heights, bugs, the ocean, etc.
"Okay, those are good. Anyone ever considered a fear of love, a fear of things that are good, fear of letting people in?" she asks, posing an interesting concept.
The class stays silent.
"Can anyone tell me what flooding is?" she asks before taking a seat.
No one answers.
"Fucking hell! Did anyone read the chapter?" she snaps and my heart starts racing, so I raise my hand. "Miss Adams! Please tell me you can answer the question." she says with an annoyed tone.
"Y-yes." I stammer out before clearing my throat. "Flooding is a forced exposing of someone to things that bring fear."
"Very good." she says with a small smile.
Something about those two small words made me feel weightless. Like my stomach is in knots. Billie continues her lecture and as per usual, I can't take my eyes off of her. Even as I follow her to her office, I can't seem to not have tunnel vision when it comes to her.
"Violet!" she shouts and her voice snaps me from my day dreaming.
"Oh sorry..." I mutter out.
"You were staring for a hot minute. Everything okay?" she asks with genuine concern in her voice. Do I tell her what's on my mind or do I lie? Then her expression changes, "Don't fucking lie to me either."
How did she know?
I deflect the question anyways. "I wanna know what you were going to say before class started."
"Ahh, why I wasn't looking at you..." she starts but she hesitates for a moment before continuing. Do I make her nervous? I dress in sweats and hoodies, I doubt I make anyone nervous.
"Like I said earlier, it's not that I don't want to look at you, because I do. I just- I feel like if I stare for too long that you might get the wrong idea." she confesses.
"And what idea would that be?" I ask her crossing my arms over my chest.
"You might be under the impression that I'm interested in you." she says giving me an unreadable look. One that I couldn't break my concentration from even if I wanted to. It's as almost if she wants to devour me, like I'm a piece of meat to her.
"Well are you?" I say with a cocky tone, not expecting a positive answer. But my eyes go wide and I can feel my cheeks heat up when I hear her mutter a 'yes'.
"Trust me, you being my student poses a lot of problems, and I'm not going to sit here, lie and tell you that I don't find you attractive. Because I do, what I will say is I will not give you favorable treatment over other students, nor will I be pursuing you." she explains in great detail.
Wait, what?
"Hold up. You, my professor, find me attractive, but won't pursue me. Why the fuck did you tell me then?" I say, rolling my eyes.
All of a sudden she grips my chin harshly. "What did I say about rolling your eyes?" she says, her face so close to mine that I can feel her breath hit my lips.
"To not to..." I whimper out.
Why the fuck am I so soft right now?
What's wrong with me?
"Good girl, you remembered. The only reason I'm overlooking the slouching and attitude is because I know what I've told you is a lot to process... it's not that I don't want to pursue you, I just- I can't risk it... But if I'm being honest, I want to." she says as her thumb brushes over my bottom lip, pulling it away before letting it go with a pop as it softly smacks against my teeth.
"Is it strange to say that I want you to?" I whisper lowly.
a/n: so I'm feeling pretty open today, ask me anything. Literally anything because I'm an open book. I love questions!
I love you bubbies 💕 you're all beautiful
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