Love Like Her

Raw

Song - Medicine by Daughter

I've always hated the smell of hospitals, or the lack thereof. The just smell too clean, and I feel so... dirty. I've been standing here while the nurse photographs the black and blue bruises that now adorn my body, slowly stripping and placing my clothes into a biohazard bag. The nurse drops the camera and lets it hang from her neck.

"I'll need to do a swab whenever you're ready..." she says her voice unwavering but her eyes showing pity. I don't want pity, I don't want to be here, I don't even want to exist in this very moment. I want to go back to this morning, nursing a hangover with Cat.

I lay back on the examination table feeling utterly exposed. I choke back a sob that threatens to escape my throat. The nurse swabs the areas that I was so privileged to have violated... she's just doing her job.

She closes the tube and labels it accordingly. "All done dear, let me get you some new clothes." She says giving me a small smile before handing me a pair of fresh clean scrubs. I mutter a low 'thank you' in return. I shrug on the top and shimmy my ass into the bottoms.

I hear a knock on the trauma room door and I open it to reveal a sullen looking Dean Collins. "May I come in?" She asks.

I step aside to let her through before closing the door. I protectively cross my arms over my chest, I just want today to be over but it seems to drag on.

"First off, I'd like to say that I'm sorry for what's happened to you... Dr. Lucas' employment with the university has been terminated, effective immediately. I'd like to extend an offer for your school loans to be dissolved completely with the exception that you sign a non disclosure agreement as well as a waiver that absolves the university of liability. You are more than welcome to still press charges against Dr. Lucas provided it's handled in private court. Do we have an agreement Miss Adams?" Her stern tone makes me realize she cares more about her position than she does her students.

"No. We don't, I'm not agreeing to anything until I've had my lawyer look over the paperwork Mrs. Collins... I'll be in touch with my lawyers information. Until then, please leave. I'd like to go home and get some sleep." I snap at her.

"Very well I totally understand, before I go... I've looked into all of Professor O'Connells email interactions with you as well as other students, as well as questioned your fellow peers... it seems like Landon Hale is one to stir up trouble. Take care of yourself Violet, and let me know if there's anything you need." She finishes with a sad smile before leaving.

Maybe I was a little hard on her, she's probably just following rules to do her job. I let out a sigh with my back pressed against the wall but my legs are too weak to keep me standing.

"Where the hell is she?!" Cat screams at one of the hospital staff.

Next thing I know Cat bursts through the door and collapses on the floor next to me, pulling me into a hug. And then...

I break.

Sobbing and snotting all over her hoodie. I mutter an 'I'm sorry' and she just hushes me and smoothes over my hair just letting me fall apart in her arms.

Once I've cried until it physically hurts, I sit up. "Cat... what am I gonna tell Billie? Hell, what am I gonna tell my parents when they get a refund check for four years of tuition?"

"The truth Vi... but not right now, we need to get you cleaned up and you need some rest. We'll cross that bridge when we get to it. Okay?" She says tipping my chin up and wiping her thumb across my cheek.

~~~~

I can't seem to get the water hot enough.

I can't scrub my skin hard enough.

I can't get clean enough.

Nothing I do makes me feel any less dirty than I am. I've scrubbed my skin raw... I step out of the shower and wrap the towel around my dripping body. I wipe the fog off of the mirror and immediately regretting doing so when I see the huge bruise on my arm, smaller ones scattered across my chest. I turn my head slightly to see one along the side of my neck.

Fuck.

I walk back to my room and throw on some pajamas. The bigger, the better. Maybe if no one can see how I look underneath they won't want anything from me. I spy the half finished bottle of wine from the night before.

Finish it.

Drown it out.

Go numb.

I flick the cork into the trash can and take a few gulps. My phone vibrates on the shelf that I left it on. Maybe if I hadn't been so careless I could have called for help. Stupid me.

Bil💕
-good morning babygirl-
-ive got a busy day of interviews today but just wanted to remind you that I love you-
-remind me that I hate sparkling water, shit tastes nasty-
-you're probably busy studying for finals coming up, you got this babe-

V
-love you too-
-I hate pre finals week-

I'm not really sure what to say aside from that. I can't blatantly tell her, that would ruin her tour more than I've already ruined it. I set my phone back down on the shelf and nurse the bottle of wine until there's nothing left.

I wish there was nothing left of me.

a/n: things do get better bubbies. What's something you used to do pre-covid that you miss doing?

I love you bubbies 💕