Love Like Her

Push Comes to Shove

Song - Blame On Me by Pink Elefants

*Violet's POV*

"This is Ultra-Violet at KNRN your favorite alternative station. Question of the morning, do breakfast burritos and iced coffee go together? Let me give that one to you. That's a hard no. Or according to Eilish who's with me in the studio today, would say it results in an immediate appearance of lava, and not the kind that ends up creating new land masses. No, this destroys everything in its path." I say with a snicker.

Billie nudges me with her shoulder. "How was I supposed to know that my stomach was going to betray me like that? You know, if you hadn't suggested burritos-" she starts in her mic.

"No no, the blame is not on me for that. You're the one that decided to douse your whole ass burrito in salsa-" I retort but she tries to cut me off.

"I-"

I playfully smack my hand over her mouth. "Next on KNRN we have Blame On Me by Pink Elefants, courtesy of me being blamed for burrito bootyhole betrayal." I announce before muting the studio mics and sitting back in my chair.

Billie just looks at me with a smirk, I can't quite figure out what's going on in her head. I raise my brow in a questioning manner without actually saying a word.

She grips behind my knee and pulls my swivel chair closer. "What was going on this morning babygirl?" She questions me. I was having fun joking with her in the moment that I'd forgotten about my mood this morning. Now it's back.

"I-... I don't really know. I've struggled with my own mind betraying me my whole life. It's like when things are going too good my brain wants me to sabotage it. Like I'm not good enough to deserve nice things... this morning my brain was telling me to ignore everyone, especially you, to push you away..." I confess, crossing my arms over my chest, feeling utterly exposed and vulnerable.

"Baby..." Billie whispers.

She's pitying you.

You're not worth it.

You're not cut out for this.

She deserves better than you.

Push her away.

I sit there biting the inside of my cheek until it's raw, unable to look her in the eyes. Why can't I just love a man like my conservative parents want me to? Why did I have to fall for my professor? Why did she have to be everything I wanted?

She sees through all the walls that I've built up like they're glass. Cracked from the pressure of my own mind, on the verge of shattering.

Billie opens her mouth to speak, but I'm saved by the song nearing its end.

I fake a smile and unmute my mic. "9 am means it's time for Morning Madness! Be caller number 12 with the answer to this question, what is the worlds largest desert? Give the correct answer and win some station swag as well as two tickets to tonight's music artist showcase! Don't worry, if you can't make the showcase KNRN has got you covered! I'll be there cohosting with your second favorite radio host FunnyBones. I'm kidding Bones is pretty great, he's always coming in clutch with snacks." I announce, half dreading that I have to go back into work after my morning shift, but the pay for covering events is too good to turn down.

I finish up my announcements and mute my mic once again. Without giving Billie a chance to question me further, I hop up and head to the employee break room. I'm not even hungry, I just need space.

I have a solid 11 minutes to myself before the next time I need to be on air.

It goes by exponentially quicker than I had wanted it to, and now I have to face reality once again. I step back into the booth and Billie looks up from her phone, giving me a smile. I give her a small one in return, but I can tell by the way her expression falls that she knows I'm still reeling.

I still have a bit before I need to unmute myself. So, I do the first thing my brain tells me. "I feel like I'm boring you, you don't have to stay here with me." I tell her, hoping she catches my drift.

"Nah I'm good, I don't really have anything else planned for the day." She says with a shrug.

I let out a sigh. "Let me rephrase, I want you to go. Please leave." I state with a near emotionless tone.

Billie furrows her brow in confusion. "Did I do or say something wrong?"

"No."

"Then why are you making me leave? Did something happen that I don't know about?" She presses me.

Don't break. Don't break. Hold it together. "No. This is my work Billie, I need to focus and you're making it difficult." I lie.

Without a word, she gets up and leaves me.

Good job, you pushed her away.

She was going to leave you anyways.

She's too good for you.

You deserve to be unhappy.

I deserve to be unhappy... her listening to me just confirms that everyone always leaves. I know I'm the one that told her too, but my brain tells me, 'See? This proves that you will always be abandoned.'

The thing is, I wasn't always like this.

I wasn't always a depressed potato.

I used to be happy.

I used to enjoy life.

a/n: surprise update because I love you bubbies. Sorry for the delay, I meant to update earlier in the week, but it's been crazy. Yay for concussions. Kidding, but in all seriousness, wear your seatbelts bubs. Stay hydrated and safe.

Ask me anything! I love questions!

I love you bubbies! 💕