sat by the ocean

rotten and hollowed out for home

I feel it too
there are lilacs and daisies in my head,
in my skull

I feel it too
there are wildflowers and grass and dirt and moss in my ribcage,
sprouting out from my chest

I feel it too
the pull of mother earth as she turns
the yank of the moon at the red rope at my chest
the ocean's voice as she whispers on the surface of the darkest water
the wind as she howls and taunts me at the edge
the feel of your hands pushing me off
I feel it all
and I am afraid
but I will be brave for both of you.

one of you—
I'm sure—
will push me off,
while the other watches,
maybe in horror,
maybe in delight.

I think I know
which one will watch
and which one will put her hands to my back and shove me off for being too scared.

the yellow light of certainty seeps in
with guitar cords and American voices
and melancholic lyrics and happy thoughts as we drift away on the water from the wind

I do not know what will come first
or what will follow
but the stone is naught but gray dust on my upper arms
as I roll in the sand and send clouds billowing upwards

do not come looking for me
and say you will not, too,
so I can stop hoping to see your wonderful, sweet face again
so I can stop longing to hear your melodic voice singing and laughing and crying and talking
so I can stop yearning for your touch

don't say you'll come for me
if you're not going to go all the way and fight for me
I've had too many empty promises thrown my way
to believe a word you say.

I will love you to a fault
until you can show me that yours is unconditional
and then,
you shall be trusted
and I will love you with everything you've got.

you'd better be ready.
you'd better be ready for texts at three in the morning
because I will love the hell out of you
and leave nothing left for others to touch.

I will give you everything and more
and I will stop at nothing to please you
and I will give you myself and never look back.

if you aren't ready,
then don't come looking.
because I am very afraid,
and very alone.

the circle is forever,
and I am ready for you to come back 'round again.
I miss you, love

darling, come back to me in whatever form you may
I don't care
just let me know you're real
and I'm not crazy,
feeling these phantom hands down my back,
this breath in my ear,
the fingers trailing down my neck,
this red cord in my chest.

tell me I'm not insane,
so I can start believing it too,
so I can stop hesitating,
so I can stop missing you and come find you already.

darling,
I am very human sometimes
and others I am so terribly an animal that it hurts.
can you handle that?
if I meet you before I'm home,
will you draw it out of me that I'm hurting?
darling, can you handle my deepest seriousness?
can you?
I don't think my friends could handle my head
because it is very delicate
and very strong
and very, very tortured
and not just anybody can stare the ocean in her eyes when it's nighttime
and not fall in
and resist temptation

and not just anybody can watch me tempt fate like I do,
and not just anybody can listen to the pain leaking through my voice and ask me to show them more,
and not just anybody can know that I hide the true strength of my emotions like I do,
and not just anybody can handle being loved so thoroughly by someone so, so not human.

do you know my true strengths?
I am stronger than I say I am.
do you know my darkest thoughts?
I have barely scratched the surface.
do you know how much suffering I have endured?
nobody in the world does but me.
do you know how much suffering I have caused?
I have no idea how to make it right.

I feel trapped,
and yet,
I feel free.

can you explain that to me?

I feel it too
I feel the pull to go
but I don't want to go alone.
will you come with me?