sat by the ocean

reliant

I am very, very reliant on others
and on their experiences
I change myself to fit their own
even in the strangeness

I am very, very reliant
because it is my only guide through this world
and I am confused and lost and hurting and scared already
so what happens when I strip that away too?

I take care of others in ways I cannot take care of myself
I give them every bit of what I have
and stray far from giving them a piece of myself
because that is terrifying

I limit all I do
because that is all I can control in this state
it is safe
and it is broken
and it is uncomfortably comfortable.

I live within this broken mind
and I have put back the pieces I know I can handle.
I beat within this scarred heart
and I have healed all that I can with my limits.
I breathe within this ancient, confused soul
and I have remembered only what is safe to.
I move in this bruised thick skin
and I have hidden away all my senses because I cannot bear the thought of perceiving something so terrible as what I have done to myself.

I have stripped away all my power
and I have given it to other people
and I have trapped myself within this nightmare energy
and I cannot awaken
unless I take the blindfold off.

I don't want to,
but I know I need to,
and I think I want to.

it scares me
but I have nothing else to do.
I have tried everything else.

nobody is walking with me anyway
I have always known that there will be no arms to catch me unless they are my own
I don't care anymore, I need this.

I want this.

I am very, very reliant on others
and that is very, very toxic
because while I too have hurt myself very terribly,
at least I apologized truthfully
and actively work to make it better.

I don't see you doing that.
I don't see anyone.
I am alone.

that is what I need to be
so that I can use all this old pain energy to heal.

I am not dull.
I am not numb.
I am not blocking anything.
I am not hiding anything.
I am seeing all now.
I am feeling all now.
I am breathing all now.
I am being all now.

I am all.
the circle is forever.
I am a part of the circle.

I am not relying on others anymore.

I will do things I am scared of
simply because I can.