sat by the ocean

I feel

I feel like it's inescapable sometimes
the weight isn't just on my shoulders,
it compresses my entire body
and it gets heavier and heavier every day
and my breathing space is always almost too tight

some days, when I feel like I am all that is light
and love
I think I can do anything

I still think that
when I am trapped with no escape
in a pit of my worst nightmares
and thoughts
inside my sickened head
because I know I can overcome it

or,
at least,
I know I could,
if I knew how.

I am not a simple creature.
I am doused in layers and layers of complexity
lift up the folds of my skin
and peer underneath.
you will wish you hadn't.

I am cheery
and I don't know how
or why
because I've suffered for the sake of suffering
and I've hurt in places most people don't know they even have
and I've been in so much pain that I forgot what it was like to feel good
and that's fucking terrifying to think that that's something that actually happened to me.

how the fuck am I alive?
easy.
I kept going.
I kept going until 'there's no point in stopping'
became 'I don't want to stop.'

pain can motivate.
it's alright.