sat by the ocean

choosing - maya

here, in this home
where I'm not alone
it's deafening

here, all alone
here in my home
it's defining

my defining quality
is that I need
you to survive

to live a happy life

here, in my home
where I'm not alone
it's quieter
so much quieter

than the city of lights,
this city of frights and
loud noises

and their voices

here, in my home
I feel alone
it's defining

my defining quality
is that I need
you to survive,

to function in this life.

and your defining quality,
is that you do not need me,
I'm fine
with this
as it is.

and as it is,
I have no choice, it's
defining

my defining quality
is you don't need me
to keep alright
sleep through tonight

my defining qualities
keep me grounded
a resounding applause for me
when I do as they say

but if I have one hair out of place,
they boo at you,
direct it all to me.

I can make them scream,
or I can make them hiss
everything would be fine,
if it were not for this

this terrible, terrible need of mine
to think of arms around me at night
oh, it's......
not ideal.

this is not ideal.

my defining quality
is that you have no need of me
and yet you keep me around,
and I need you to stay around
or I'll lose my mind

I don't do well without you
but there'd be so much more I could do
without you with me,
without you with me

out on my own,
standing on my own two feet
in a field of wheat
someone's hand in mine
weaving bracelets 'til the end of daytime
and at night we'd sit by the fire
as the flames grew ever higher
and I'd know
that there's no turning back

there'd be no turning back for you.

out on my own,
out all alone
it's deafening

this roar in my ears
oh, it brings back my fears
no soothing voice to guide me

the sun and the moon,
in this city are gone too soon
how am I supposed to do anything here?

lost in the crowd,
lost in the sound—
it's defining

my defining quality
is that I need you.

tell me, who
would I be?

tell me,
who's inside me
when it's not the ghost of what you want from me?

how many years would it take
for these phantoms to really be fake?
how many eyes must I catch
before they're yours?

how many diguises should I make?
how much food and drink should I take?
should I bring more?

I don't
know
what I'm doing

I don't
see
what I'm choosing

is it
me?
or am I losing
to you?

I'm choosing,
and it's
not
you.