sat by the ocean

oh

oh
oh, gods.
I'm going to live a normal life someday
it's never really set in like that before

someday I'll stop needing therapy
someday I'll be surrounded by people that I love
someday I'll be fighting something that isn't within myself
someday I'll be living in a place that I love
someday my whole world won't be falling apart

someday I'll be in love

and not just in love with a girl
I'll be in love with myself,
and with life,
and with my job because oh,
I'll have the most wonderful job
and it will make me happy
to work on something I love

someday I'll have the name I've always wanted
and I'll be able to relax
truly, truly relax
and I'll. . .

. . . I'll be okay.

and not the kind of okay
that's only okay
because it's worlds better than the last hell I visited
not the kind of okay that's only okay because it's better than how it was before

no,
this time,
I—
I'll be okay okay.

do you know what that's like?

I'll have found myself,
and I'll have you by my side and in my arms and in my life
and I'll have her
and I'll have those people that I don't even know yet

I'll be a totally different person,
and I'll be happy,
and no, these aren't just empty words,
I just realized this while scrolling through media

I won't be classified as mentally ill for forever
but even if I am,
I'll be able to manage it

because not everyone yells at those who forget everything
because not everyone cringes and calls people like me weird names
because not everybody's soul is hardened by apathy and by sadness and stays that way

and maybe
just maybe
that sort of future—
that good sort of future—
is actually attainable

I'm used to making goals that I know I'll never reach
whether to hurt myself or to just have something to get me through a bad spell
but this is a healthy goal to have,
I think,
although maybe not a regular.

I am ancient beyond time's explanation,
and yet,
I cannot remember when I last had a real, genuine hug.

someday,
maybe in the distant future, but also maybe in the near,
I'll be able to remember

or maybe I won't have to keep track at all.

all I know is,
right now,
I'm learning how to smile
and to treat myself right
and it's working.