sat by the ocean

be believe been (guess im god now??)

be
believe
been

what can I be?
what do I believe?
what have I been?

I can be anything and everything and nothing, all at once.
I might believe in nothing, and I might believe in everything, and I might believe something in between the two.
I have been a mighty awful person who crushed planets in her palm for fun, and I have been a saving grace whose angelic features lit up the Earth and sky, and I have been entirely neutral to everything.

be
believe
been

what do I want to be?
what do I want to believe?
what do I wish I'd been?

I want to be amazing, remembered, loved, praised, in love—I want to be everything good that I am not.
I want to believe in magic, in people, in the unknown, in mythical beasts—I want to believe like I've never got it wrong.
I wish I'd been kinder, nicer, more generous, less manipulative, less toxic, quicker on the draw, smarter—I wish I'd been a good person.

but my wishes never seem to come true.
none of them do.
I can wish in a moment of havoc and grief,
I can wish in a moment of calmness and stillness,
I can wish in a moment of anger or of joy,
but it will never come true.

I can wish on a candle,
I can wish on a flower,
I can wish on the moon or on the stars,
but it will never come true.

everyone else gets what they want every once in a while.
everyone else gets full redemption.
everyone else gets to be selfish once in a while.
everyone else actually gets real chances to grow.

so why not me?
can't I have a chance to be vulnerable and change into a completely different person?
can't I be selfish without being the villain?
can't I finally have redemption for the thing I can never undo?
can't I get what I want just this once?

.......but nothing ever comes.

I wait,
and it does not come.
I seek it out,
and it does not come.
I forget,
and it does not come.
I call down the heavens,
and it does not come.

am I still atoning for my sins?
is that what this is?
well, an angel's words will do me no good
when I have not the context I need to understand
does everyone expect me to function normally
after the hell I went through?

do they expect me to still be casual about it?
to make fun of myself?
to want to apologise for the times it was actually justified?

you expect me to be overly nice and overcompensate just because I was mean before.
well,
I'm done doing that.
I'm not going to be mean again—
I'm gonna try really hard to protect myself from that—
but I am going to be a lot harsher
because I am fucking tired.

hurt people hurt people,
and I know it's wrong to do.
so I'm not going to do it
because there's already so many lives I've ruined

it just takes some time
and they'll all forget me
it's as if I was never there
standing at the edge of the forest,
a flicker of a soul unhurt.

well, look at me now,
and weep, for I laugh at you in your sorrow
your rations are gone
and your children are meek
and I am all that is left
of the child you once knew.
the child you once hurt.

and I am filed with thsi immense power
that you do not know I have
and you'll think me incapable of using it
and you'll be sorely wrong.

I will burn down every skyscraper
and tear apart your castles
sink my teeth into your mattress
and make you swear I am hell

and when you cast me, feverishly, down under
so too will you cast your word
that you would always protect me
back into its tarnished verb

and look what you've become
look what hate has made you into
look at all you've come to loathe.

it is all you've come to lack.

I am God now,
respectless and unhumble,
and this, too, you will come to see
that all you have now come to lose
is a direct result of me.

be
believe
been

I am firm in my word and my heart, and am kinder to myself to start.
I believe in magics of all sorts, and of beasts, and creations so warm, and people.
I have been cruel to myself, and now, I shower myself with the love of truly deserve.

I am God now.
you cannot stop me.