sat by the ocean

fix me

sometimes all I want
is for someone to try to fix me
with the same reckless abandon
I try to fix others with.

I abandon all that I need
in favor of lifting someone else's head above water
that even I am drowning in.
or maybe I've already come above
and my arms are sore from the swim
but I reach for someone else anyway
so they know they're not alone.

it's good enough for them,
good enough for me,
because it proves I'm a good person now,
it proves I've always been like that somewhere deep down

the fact that I still worry about being good
makes me good
and that is reassurance
because it shows that I am willing to change and make sacrifices to be good

too many sacrifices.

I have sacrificed everything.
I have given away the air I breathe for someone else to taste.
I have given away all my energy to someone who wanted it to save themselves.
I have given away my heart so that I may numbly dish out the best advice they'll ever hear.

it's because I know other people need it so,
so bad
they need all the surface-level love in my heart
they need all the support in the weight of my skin
they need all the warmth of my breath
they need the tide of my blood
they need everything useful they can pick from my rotted and tattered brain.

but I never stopped to consider that I need it all too.
it's me.
I need me.
and I keep giving everything away.
even my power.
why do I do that?

someones all I want
is for someone else to disregard themself for once
and focus on me
and love me
and want to fix me and actually try.

sometimes,
I want someone to let me know that they'd give me the air they breathe if I needed it for a while
that they'd sacrifice a good night's sleep for my enjoyment
that they'd walk across hot coals to fetch me a towel
that they'd go through all the pain and trauma of my past so I wouldn't have to
and actually genuinely mean it.

sometimes,
I want all these human things
I want to feel worshipped too

sometimes,
I want someone to love me so hard that they hurt inside

and then I remember how much pain I'm in
because I do all of that stuff for everyone I meet
and I feel like a terrible person
because why would I want that?

the truth of the matter
is that I give my all to anyone and everyone who looks my way
breathe in my direction,
and you own me.

all I want from someone
is to own me
and not abuse their power over me.

I think I'll always give power to the people in my life
that's how I love, even if I feel like it could be a broken way of doing so
I just hope that one day there'll be someone who won't use it to better themself while hurting me.

I just wanted to feel loved.
I didn't want this.
I never wanted this.
I just wanted to feel appreciated.
I didn't want obsession.
I never wanted it.
I just wanted to be liked.
I didn't want this.
I never wanted this.
I'm so tired of this.
I'm so tired.

I can't sleep.

I won't sleep.

is there something wrong with me?

am I spiraling in a helpful way?

is anything I do really healthy or am I just lying to myself?

I don't know.

can someone tell me?

I know the circle is forever
but this vicious cycle of pain can't be.

right?