sat by the ocean

I have been scared for a long time

I'm terrified
I don't want to live like this anymore
I want to eat enough
I want to sleep enough
I want to have enough room to stretch my legs
I want to be happy
I want to feel someone's arms around me and not feel uncomfortable because we have a negative history
I want to feel safe ansound secure and not have to worry about eating enough and saving food.

I don't want to go hungry
and get yelled at for asking for food.
I don't want to be touch-starved
I wanna have someone I can really reach for.
I don't wanna live in fear,
I wanna stop living in restrictions.

I walk, these days, with a plastic ball in my ribcage
and shackles on my wrists and ankles
and the weight of my humanity dragging behind me

please, somebody,
show me how to make the key for myself
I don't want to be alone now.

I don't want to be alone now.

I don't want to be alone now.

this is all my fault,
some part of me says,
and in my delusion of health,
I fear it's true.

I deny myself the basic truths of living,
and what for?
the underlying fear while I smile?
no.
I have lived my whole life in fear
and in guilt
and in shame
and I am tired of it.

I have always been tired.
I have always needed more
I have always needed more sleep,
more food,
more drink,
more blankets,
more friends,
more love.

and my needs have never been met in full
and I have learned to stop expressing them in full
because I think I know what to expect from people
and it is not very much.

call me a child.
call me foolish, embarrassing.
immature.
lazy.
say I'm acting dumb,
I'm just playing stupid.
I'm smarter than this.
I'm better than this.
I'm not supposed to be complete yet.
I'm never going to be good enough for you,
especially while you hold that false construction of me in your head,
for which I am not responsible.

I don't have to hold it up.
I don't have to act that way.
I am so fucking sick and tired of holding myself in deeper and deeper until my ribs crack and I am bleeding and sore.

I am tired of hiding
in a world where hiding has brought me naught but pain.

I will cry like a baby.
I will scream like a banshee.
I will be too loud and too annoying and too much for you to handle and you will not like me.

and maybe that's okay,
because if you don't like me,
then you aren't worth hanging around more than I have to.

I have lived my life in fear,
isolation,
shackles,
and I have lived it as small as I could
so I would not take up the space that's there for people who truly matter.

but they only matter to you because they're not me.

you saw me as an extension of yourself,
so if I do something wrong in your eyes
then it's a complete failure—
I'm a complete failure.

well, I'm not going to say I like being the family failure,
but I will say this:
you are not my responsibility.
I am not going to cater to what you want of me anymore.

I will play nice with those who are nice,
and try my damnedest to ignore those who are not,
including you.

so fuck off,
I'm going to live my life as my own.