sat by the ocean

maybe

maybe I am not okay with this
I didn't think when I made the decision to go back
everything is different now,
yes,
and irrevocably so,
but the trauma is still there.

can I heal this?
or is it something I must learn to live with?

I do not know

perhaps I never will

but I want to

so I can help myself

maybe I am not so okay with this
they're encouraging me and it's engaging
but the moment I didn't know something—
the moment I felt something was off—
I melted down again,
stripped away all my layers and became raw

I haven't been sleeping well.

my decision haunts me,
and its ghost is dedicated.
I should not have made a decision like this one so carelessly
I see that now
I thought it would be okay—
more people, more social, more friends—
but I didn't factor in my trauma.

they say to leave it behind and never look back
to get over it and suck it up
but it's not that simple for me
it rarely ever is, and I have come to accept and love that
it has been a long, winding road

I have been put to the test so many a time
the universe was always asking if I was ready
"yes!" I would say,
unaware of the change
being born of my own heart's nightmare

I belong to that place again,
I am under their rule
a kingdom spun of crimson and of gold

their flames seep through my skin,
and with luck,
I unfold

and without,
I am back in my trauma again.

I will not sugar coat it
so I apologize to sugar lovers

but I am hurting and it is not okay

I overstepped my own boundaries in an act of desperation
without considering a certain set of consequences

and now that I am once more their knight
I see now my error

free me if you can,
and if not,
help me to heal.

I don't want to feel like this anymore.

no longer do my nightmares haunt me,
or my traumas seek me out for revenge,
or my most precious confidences take a blow from these emotional traumas

I am okay.

and I will be okay.

and I continue to be okay.