sat by the ocean

you.

you.
I love you.
my love is hard to earn sometimes,
and yet,
here we are.

you.
I adore you.
I adore many things,
but I adore you most.

you.
I....trust you.
and that is something I can only say of roughly three people.

I trust you.

and it goes deeper than a simple phrase.

see,
I don't trust like a normal person does.

a normal person trusts freely, yet warily

I do not trust at all.

I trust less and less as time goes on,
and that is okay
because it works for me

it keeps me safe.

I am very afraid of many things that do not threaten me physically
I am afraid of trusting, I am afraid of not being enough, I am afraid of rejection, and I am afraid of being abandoned.

I do not want to be hurt again.

and so,
I refrain from trusting
and when I do trust,
it is most always conditional.

except with you.

my darling,
I don't think you know
that you are the only person on this earth
that I trust unconditionally.

you are the only person I have ever trusted like this,
and it is new,
and it is scary,
but that part doesn't bother me much
because I trust you.

I would not walk blindfolded beside anyone.
but I would do it with you.
I would not do any sort of trust fall exercise with anyone.
but I would do one with you.

and that one is particularly scary,
because not only am I being asked to trust someone completely,
but I am putting my safety in someone else's hands and depending soley on them.

I don't do that.
I don't depend on other people,
because other people cannot see inside me and know what's wrong
like I can do with them.

I don't depend on other people,
because they build me up,
and then they trap me
and then they leave me
and I am hurt.

I don't depend on people.
but you, as far as I am concerned, do not count as people.

you are the only lense
in which I can see
being willing to walk through fire for someone else
being the slightest bit rational

these words fall out dry
because there is too much meaning
there is too much to say

and so I remain blank.