sat by the ocean

everything will be okay.

everything is gonna be okay
today, I'm making a new start,
and it's okay
today, I'm gonna open up—in my old heart,
it's gray
and beauty isn't everything but I
sure do look good in this shirt, oh

today
everything is gonna be okay
tomorrow's coming dressed in casual clothes
it's a new day
today
tomorrow
yesterday
they're all best friends

everything is gonna be okay,
so, I don't need to freak out today
no self-destructive habits in my way

today, I'm fine
in the sunshine

today.

....but, right now,
I feel so lost
I feel the cold digging in, feel the frost
feel the hellhounds nip at my heels
feel the sickness bite where I'm healing

oh, today
everything is okay

oh, but okay's never good enough
nothing's ever good enough
'cause every little mess-up is a failure
that leads me back to "not enough."

oh, I'm so lost
without your touch.
you're a phantom in the daygloom
because I am just not strong enough
to live without delusion, oh,
to live without illusion
because I would crumble

and I tell myself I love them all
but I really only love some
I'm clinging to the worst of it
just so I won't get hurt again,
I know.

and I say I love them,
but what I really mean is it isn't love that I feel,
it's obligation.
it's the ghost of love standing in its place
like it belongs there
well, you really don't belong here.
so I guess it's only fitting.

you are made for this world,
and sometimes,
I feel that I am not.

you were made to be strong,
while I sit here,
and I rot.

you were built to be insulted,
while I?
.....
I was not.

every little button you push,
it's a way out.
a way out of here.
every single thing that I touch
is a bomb.

my mind is a minefield
and I am walking blind
with these weights chained to my ankles
and every day is agony wrapped up in a sunshine bow
and every promise makes me feel trapped and I cannot let go

every breath I take is a vow to never abandon myself
like I abandoned you
like you abandoned me

and I feel like every little mistake I make—
every slip-up, every mess-up, every failure,
every stupid small risk I take—
is me ruining your life,
is that a choice I have to make?
to destroy my own damn mother
for a chance to live for my sake?
I'm through.

I'm through with playing chess
when you only taught me checkers.
I am through with all their jokes
because they just sound like my hecklers.
I am through with taking blame
for things I didn't do, or cause.
and I am through with fighting my own brain
and I'll create up my own laws.