sat by the ocean

in all honesty

in all honesty,
I'd rather be somewhere else.

I love living,
I love even the tough to swallow emotions,
I love so much,
I love this world.

I'd never give that up.

but,
in all honesty,
some people make me feel like I don't deserve to fix my poor eating habits.

and,
in all honesty,
some people make me think I deserve the amount I let myself suffer.

because,
in all honesty,
I've never known that sort of ease that comes from being born into a normal and loving family.

my parents always fought,
but it didn't affect me.
I was glad when they divorced,
but it didn't affect me.
they raised me with loud voices and electronics taken away,
but it didn't affect me.
they raised me without ever laying a hand on me,
but it didn't affect me.

it didn't,
until I was older.

until I realized I hardly get touched at all,
because I spend so much time making myself alone
in order to avoid them all
because I can't stomach loving them because of who they are and were
and what they did to me.

just because they didn't touch me didn't mean they didn't hurt me.

and I know I have someone to blame for ruining all of our lives,
for forcing me into a deep depression that lasted for years
and removing the only comfort I had

but I always end up blaming me instead
and I don't know why.

a lot of my current problems relate back to my mother
because though she tries, she really isn't a good match for me
she rules with a mouth ready to take me down from my throne at any moment,
and with a loaded gun in her hand when she sees me smile about myself

she is insecure,
and tries to push those insecurities onto me
because she doesn't want to see me end up like her
she loves me
but she does it wrong.

I need gentleness,
I need patience,
I need sweet words and comforts a plenty,
and I need a soft guiding hand that warmly teaches me what I want to know.

there is only one person who has shown me any hint of this in the amount I need it,
and they are miles and miles away from me at all times.

it isn't her.

it's someone I met by chance.

they're the first person I learned to truly love,
though,
and they're the person I want to spend the rest of my life beside.

I want their hand in mine.

instead,
I feel the weight of my sons crawling on my back

I don't know why,
but every time I get yelled at for something,
I feel like I'm ruining my parents' lives—
ruining the only chance at happiness they ever had.

I say sorry too much,
but there's nothing else to fill the air with
other than insults at myself that I don't want to even think

I'm sorry for ruining your lives,
and I'm sorry for all the lives I'll ruin in the future

"give me time, I'll bring out the worst in you, too"
just give me time,
and you'll never be able to forget.

unlike me—
I forget everything
every detail I need to remember
and I can't absorb new information like you do
because I'm so broken mentally
that even talking to people when they text me hurts
that even some people's voices make my brain feel like it's drying up painfully

I'm always in pain,
and I don't want it to extend into the future,
but there's nothing I can do about it.

I sometimes feel like I deserve to suffer
and there's no reason why
and even if there is a reason,
I still don't let myself

I love myself.

I love me,
and the fact that you don't doesn't affect me.

not now,
anyway.

but the weight of my past choices,
my past mistakes,
my past failures that ruined everyone's lives—
they didn't bother me before.
but now, I have the headspace to take them on
and I hate it.

I feel like the most rotten person in the world,
and I don't know why.
there are people who are actually evil out there,
people deserving of redemption just as I am.

but......
.....with every day that passes, I fear I grow closer to who I was
than to who I want to be.

I don't know how to imagine the future.
I have never made a solid plan before.
I didn't exactly intend on making it this far, but now that I intend on living for as long as I can, I want it to be good.

I don't want this.
this....painful existence in a headspace filled with sharp briar.

no, get me.out of here.

because,
in all honesty,
I'd rather go to hell than be here.
the only reason I'm not in hell right now is because I can't just take a train there.