sat by the ocean

w a n t

I don't know who I am
I just know what I want
I can't keep choosing my partner's based on who I am
because I don't know that
but I know who I want
I know what I want—
I know it in feeling, not in name,
and it feels a hell of a lot like myself

ravish me under the moonlight and eat my bones
because I don't want to hold back
make me clean a room spotless for hours until it's done
but force me to take breaks in between rotations
because I don't want to hurt

feel my skin and tell me what you feel so we can compare experiences
I feel warmth and safety and me
what about you?

look deep into my eyes and tell me what you see
because I see dirt and leaves and grass and forest
and all the fire in my determination

I can feel my bones alight
bring a bloody apple to my tongue
carve out a space with my name
carve me into a tree so that I may grow ever-taller for all time
make me permanent and make me mine
because I'm tired of holding back

let me help people and let them help me
I'll ask for help when I feel like it
I'm not reckless with my health
but I know my own limits
and I like to go as far as I can reach
can they say the same?
no.

I don't know who I am
I may not know what I am
but I know on a deep level what I want
and who I want
and how I want
and I'm going to get it whether you like it or not.

let the rain drip onto my skin and let it chill me.
let the spiders crawl down my back and let them scare me.
let the dice skitter across the wood floor and let them guide me.
let me run across and open field and let the sharp rocks pierce me.

let me drive myself up a wall and land awkwardly on my feet because I know I am not alone in this world but I will dance like I am.

I am want and I am greed and no I will not give back what was given to me
I'll take this last name and forsake it and then I will make my own last name to replace it with
I'll take this first name and have it hummed in contentment and screamed out in joy and wailed out in longing
I'll have my middle name and put it in a garden somewhere so it can do me no harm and I'll whip it out when I'm feeling fancy

I'll desecrate every last one of the rules of this game
and then I'll play with with my own
because I know my limits and won't forsake or overestimate myself

I will collect followers along the way but make no mistake:
I am the lead in this musical
I am the main character of this story
and I'm gonna fucking live like it and nobody can stop me.

you all let a thousand bad people get away with their misdeeds every day
so you're gonna let me go, too,
because I am my own god.

my altar is dedicated to me.
I worship myself,
and myself alone,
and if you don't like it,
fuck off.

when I'm alone I'm most comfortable
when I'm deserted I'm finally allowed to grieve
when I'm hidden away in a corner somewhere I can observe
and at least I'll never be without myself.
can you say the same for yourself?

I control everything for myself.
nobody controls it for me.
I take the reigns and banish those who would try to take them from me
and renounce baptism and unpleasant obligation

so go to hell and lie there for me
just for three minutes to know what it's like
and then come and tell me how it was
because I'm curious, and it's right.

I don't want to know who I am instantly
I want to learn me and grow me with time
build a relationship, I'm definitely demi
I know what I want, and it is all mine.