sat by the ocean

terrifying

it is so terrifying
to be real to someone
to be knowm to someone
to be a person in somebody else's eyes

I have lived
in a fantasy world
for so long
and now I am starting to wake up
and feel real again

realer than being real alone can feel sometimes

I am real when I am aware in a crowd

and I am terrified of how real I would feel
if you wrapped me in your arms
and told me not to say goodbye

because I've never had that

nobody has ever loved me so intensely as I have loved myself
and I think that is a damn shame
because I know how to love someone
(at least I think so)
but I don't know what it is to be loved

unless you say my name
when there is no point to saying it
because I already know you're talking to me

unless you outline how you view my personality
and you're actually right
and weirdly close to who I really am

unless you call me by name
and tell me to stop being strong
and say you'll be strong for me so I can rest

and then
I feel a little more loved
than before

goodnight.