The World Ends With You

Chapter 44: Does It Bother Me?

"Of course it bothers me. Of course it bothers me! What was I doing all this time? I didn't want to ruin our friendship and I didn't want him to change his viewpoint on me. I just wanted us to stay the way things always had been; go to school everyday, hangout with him and the others, then repeat it every single day. I just want that 'normal' life with him. With our friends. So why do I have to feel this way?! That's ridiculous. Hancock confessed straight up sometime during that two years and with that, she essentially had marked her territory and claimed him to be hers. There's seriously nothing wrong there. But what was I calling 'misfortune' all this time? That things got a bit awkward sometime after the dance? I had always managed to find a way to talk him normally so he wouldn't suspect me of anything, not that he would, and I even tried hiding my feelings from the others! Did she even feel any fear or shame whenever she faced him? No! I shed tears to somehow make my way while knowing that somebody has already taken his heart but why does this feel this way? If she could do that, then why can't I?! She stole everything I had — my understander who set me free two years ago from Arlong — and she did it so casually that I feel stupid just simply thinking about it! What the hell was that? It doesn't even matter now what complaints I make when she can give him the smile every single time better than I could. And this isn't someone else deciding that it doesn't matter. It's me! Me!! She showed me it doesn't matter if I feel the same way towards him since she has already come and gone! It doesn't feel great, but the smiles she has given Luffy is something I could never give him even after a century of hard work. She did it without even trying. Am I supposed to stand up to that? Why did someone like her have to appear in front of me?! If she was going to do this, why didn't she do it sooner? No, why couldn't she create a paradise along with that Kuja Clique of hers and be happy there with Luffy without showing that lovely scene every time I catch them with my eyes? I don't want to fight anymore. I don't want to oppose an empress like that. I was never fighting for him but she surely was. He always watched me cry but she was there when he needed a shoulder to lean on, unlike me. Even if he cried and cried, she wouldn't complain...but I will surely scold him for doing just that. I began to rethink that connection with him had some meaning behind it!! And this is where it got me. I had everything taken from me. As you said, someone might rush over for my sake if they knew. They might cast everything aside and join me drown in tears even if it meant being alone together with a pathetic navigator like me. But!!! That doesn't matter! It never mattered. I wanted to have fun with everyone some more. And by everyone, I meant Zoro, Usopp, Sanji, Chopper, Robin, Franky, Brook, Jinbe and him! I never even bothered to realise how comfortable my position was as his friend, and nothing more, nothing less. Why do I have to fall in love with him?! But to 'return things to normal' now would be no different from taking away his most valuable treasure. No matter how many excuses you make, that fact does not change. A decision that would make Luffy lose his smile! I don't want that! There's...there's nothing I can do. What good is it to take away his ideal world of smiles and happiness? Of love he never thought he'd find? Even if I managed to get him back, returned everything to normal, and justly take away one of his reasons to be happy, would I really be able to picture him smiling so perfectly while looking at me? How would I ever face him if I was the one responsible for him losing his happiness? Could I really just smile? Could I really just smile like an ignorant fool when Luffy wouldn't ever do that kind of thing to anybody?! Like hell I could!! Nothing would remain for me either way. Whether I get him back or not and whether I tore my mind to pieces or stay sane, I can't return to 'normal'! Even if I don't 'fail' in whatever I choose to do, I will still have complaints and it will fall apart in the end. In that case, there's no reason for me to sulk!!! Why should I destroy this miraculous situation? If every path leads to me lamenting on my previous actions before they became an item, why not just accept Hancock's victory? No, why not let him decide?! Who saved his smile more, me or Hancock? The answer is obviously Hancock!! I knew from the beginning I couldn't hold a candle to what she did!!! What else can I do? After...after everything she's done for him, there's nowhere for me to fit! There's nowhere else for me to go!!!!!!!!"