How I Got Here || GOT7

23: How I understood him better

I woke up early in the morning while it was still dark. I readied the coffee pot, poured a cup for myself, grabbed my notebook and pen, walked out to the outdoors lounge and waited for the sunrise. It was chilly and windy. I wore the hoodie I borrowed from Jaebeom the night I kindly thanked him for the kiss.

God that was stupid.

The hoodie felt so comfy and cozy. I snuggled myself into it as I saw the beautiful sun rays starting to brush the skyline. The contrast of colors made it look like a piece of heaven. I pulled out my phone to snap a few pics before finally tucking it back in to savor the moment. Once the sun was shying neatly behind the clouds, the weather felt warmer but a cold breeze would still hit every few minutes. I picked up my notebook and started to write, journaling my odd experience with the guys since day one. I didn't know I missed writing so much until I was lost in the immensity of feelings being jotted down on paper.

I was only pulled back to reality when I heard a camera shutter clicking. I looked up and saw him smiling at me. I couldn't help but return the smile. "I hope you don't mind." I shrugged, he found his way to be seated next to me. "What are doing?" He asked politely.

"Just jotting down my thoughts." I said while tucking my notebook away. "Are you okay?" I asked him because he seemed like he had a rough time sleeping, his eyes exposed his exhaustion. But I remembered how he snapped at me before. "Sorry, I know it's not my place to ask." I wanted to stand up and walk away but he held my wrist.

"Don't." He said sternly and I froze. "I know I haven't been the easiest person to talk to but please, don't walk on eggshells around me." His thumb rubbed my skin as his eyes searched for mine. "Please? I hate how you seem so comfortable with everyone but me." I felt my body stiffening at his words.

"Jae.." I sighed. "I don't want that either but you're seriously hard to understand. Every time I think I figured you out, you snap and switch to a completely different person." I said truthfully. He motioned for me to sit back next to him and I did, so he retracted his hand from mine.

"I'm just not used to this. I'm not used to people reading me and analyzing me and actually getting it right." He chuckled faintly. "I don't usually let people in so easily." I nodded at his statement. "I'm an alone kind of guy." He explained and my brows furrowed in return.

"What do you mean by that?" I asked him, hoping he'd open up to me. Just a little.

"I believe that we were born alone, prepared to live alone, go through hardships alone, heal alone and it's okay. People may think it's sad or scary or whatever but that is just my belief. This is why not everyone can adjust with my mentality." He continued. "That is why it scares me how you seem to find loopholes in my belief." My eyes widened.

"Me?" He nodded. "How?"

"I know you don't agree with me and I know this mentality is not easy to get along with-.."

"But who said I don't agree?" I cut him off and he looked at me stunned. "I mean, there is some truth to your philosophy." I sighed. "I understand the concept, no one would live out the consequences of my own decisions but myself. It may affect others but I'm the one responsible. No one could heal my wounds if I don't myself." His eyes lit up as I spoke.

"Exactly. And sometimes you just want to pause and be alone to do all of those things." He said smiling at me. I nodded.

"But that doesn't mean we're meant to live alone." He looked at me oddly and I couldn't figure out his thoughts, I couldn't read him. "What I've said doesn't necessarily mean that no one will stand by my said as I fight my own demons."

"But no one should. It's my own demons I'm fighting."

"That is just selfish?"

"How is that selfish? I'm protecting them from myself."

"What if they're trying to protect you?"

"No one knows me better than myself."

"True. But an outer view is a new perspective that may help you see what you cannot spot from the inside."

"True. But I cannot fight myself and try to protect others at the same time. They'll end up getting hurt."

"And you don't think you're worth it?"

He laughed loudly then looked at me still smiling. "You're something else."

"Don't change the subject." I hit his thigh playfully.

"Okay, okay. But I'm serious. Sometimes you just need to be alone."

"I get that and I agree. But.. Shutting people out is not always what you need."

He sighed and nodded. "Okay, you win." I grinned like a child winning a toy from a claw machine. "God, you're cute." My eyes widened at his statement and his hands ruffled my hair.

"Yah! I'm not a kid." I laughed pushing his hand.

"How can anyone think that's possible after last night." I felt my cheeks burning but I smacked his shoulder with all my might. "Ouch! For a small girl, you're strong." He exclaimed before he broke into laughter and so did I. "Thank you." He said after all the laughter died down.

"What for?" I asked looking confused.

"For this." He motioned his hand between us. "It was refreshing." I nodded. "I knew you'd find a loophole." He chuckled and so did I.

"Well, you're always welcome." I smiled. And he took me up on that offer more times than I thought he would. That conversation broke the ice between us as afterwards, he seemed more consistent around me and I seemed more relaxed. And thanks to that, the rest of the trip went well, we had fun and the boys toned down the games after my sudden spree. I felt blessed and thankful. I was happy to be around them, befriend them and genuinely care for them.