Sins Of The Father (TRLS)

Chapter 9 Part:1

    Patience is certainly not Tom's strong suit. That's not so great considering our current situation. He was especially eager to go to the library today for some reason, and I guess I was taking too long to finish my dinner. You'd think he'd be happy I got my appetite back. He told me to meet him in the library when I'm finished, and if I'm being honest I'm definitely dragging my feet. I sighed as I picked at the roasted potatoes on my plate. Why couldn't I just go back to my dorm after dinner or even go spend time with my friends? It's like he's afraid something is going to happen to me, or maybe he just likes my company. Nah, he likes the idea of possessing something. His child, his plan. I guess he let it slide for just a bit while I finished eating. A nap would sure be nice instead of waiting around the library for Tom to scour the place for new and informative books about his favorite subject; dark magic.

   If I'm being honest all of this is getting exhausting. I think he has an especially important assignment to do for Defense Against Dark Arts or something. Probably some kind of essay he wanted to put more than enough effort into, probably to outshine the other students and impress the professor. "Are you here for frog choir?" Someone said to me scaring me out of my thoughts. "No," I said quickly to the older woman before wiping my mouth with a napkin and forfeiting my dinner plate. "Well you're welcome to sit and watch," she said cheerfully as students from different houses began to gather in the great hall. Frog choir was the only elective in which houses weren't separated. They usually stood together to sing the Hogwarts song and other songs from generations past. Not wanting to leave just yet, I stayed sitting in my seat and observed as the professor instructed them to get in their position. I watched them rehearse for a little while before realizing I had stayed here a little too long. Tom will probably be wondering where I am. I had been too hypnotized by their rendition of some folk song they had been working on. I was about to leave when someone began to play the piano. I rubbed my fingertips together remembering what it was like to play. It brought tears to my eyes as I remembered a part of my life before all this. I think of it from time to time and I always get the same reaction from myself. Sometimes I can't hold back the tears. This is one of those times. Being pregnant has taken such a toll on my emotions. I couldn't stop the overflow of tears running from my eyes as I got up and fled the great hall. I stood in the middle of the corridor with my vision blurred from tears. I felt like my head was spinning as I made my way to the library.

   I wasn't quite looking where I was going and smashed right into an annoyed looking Gryffindor. "Hey watch where you're going Slytherin," he said in an irritated tone. I couldn't control myself as I looked up at him and started bawling my eyes out once more. "Hey what's your problem?" He asked, but I couldn't stop crying into my hands. "Relax would ya?" He said trying to shush me. He probably didn't want me to go getting him into any trouble. I felt so alone and vulnerable. He took hold of my shoulders shaking them to snap me out of my tear filled episode. "Hey come on quit your crying I wasn't being mean you." I didn't do anything to stop him as I thought about how foolish I was being. I felt scared being here alone with him all of a sudden and I began crying even more. "What is the meaning of this?" I heard a familiar voice ask from behind me. I picked my head up slightly seeing him standing there with a furious expression on his face. He may have looked intimidating but all I saw was familiarity and as strange as it seemed, safety. I instantly rushed towards him wrapping my arms around him continuing to cry into his chest. I felt him become chillingly still as I did this. Slowly I felt him snake his arm around my waist. "Hey I didn't do anything to your girl," the blonde Gryffindor defended himself quickly. "Then you wouldn't mind explaining why you're alone in the corridor with her crying," Tom said in a eerily calm voice. "She ran into me and started crying like a crazy woman!" He exclaimed making me cry even harder as I had to add crazy to the list of things wrong with me. I felt Tom's grip on my waist tighten before he placed his hands on both sides of my waist pulling me off of him. I wiped my tears with my hands looking up at him. "I will meet you in the library," he said quietly to which I nodded still on the verge of tears. "And stop crying," he stressed, probably at his wits end with my wailing. I frowned at him as I felt his hands leave my waist. He motioned for me to leave before turning back to the Gryffindor. I did as he said and quickly made my way to the library to wait for him.

I just feel so sad and lonely. I felt my body shaking as I tried choke back a sob. Tom hates when I cry, and he's not very understanding about it. He may be intelligent, but I'm not sure he really understands anything about women's bodies in general, let alone a pregnant woman's body. He doesn't know the emotional turmoil I'm going through, and the stress it's putting on me physically and mentally. Just because he never cries doesn't mean other people don't. I wonder if he even cries when he gets hurt, I wonder if he ever hurts. He's so good at hiding his emotions it makes me question if he even has any. I don't know why I ran to him like that. What was I expecting? Comfort? Ha, that's laughable, and highly unrealistic. I guess I was just feeling vulnerable and wanting it be held and comforted. Most women have their husbands to provide them solace in these troubling times. The ones that don't are so strong because I have no one and it's dreadful. I have no one to talk to about it and it's killing me. All I have is the father of my child and believe me he's not much help at all.

I sat in the back corner of the library pulling my arms close to me hugging myself. I needed it. I took a deep breath trying to calm myself down but I felt so anxious. A flood of emotions erupted within me as I tried to keep from crying once more. I want to go home. I miss my parents, I miss my friends, I miss my life. Sure I like the girls I've met here, but it's just not the same. I miss possibilities and dreams. I feel like I was chained to this man by a child and now I no longer belong to myself. I don't even know who I am anymore. As the days go by I become more and more unrecognizable to myself. People buzzed around in the library but all I could think about is how I rather be anywhere but here. I sighed as I sat back in my seat not noticing as Tom came and took his seat beside me. I turned noticing his presence but he didn't make any effort to acknowledge me. It made me sad that even he doesn't want to be around me. My own child will probably not even like me. As I thought about this I began to cry once more. I covered my face with my hands as I heard a sigh from beside me. "Why are you crying?" He nearly growled. His angry words made me shudder. "Why are you being so mean to me?" I said between tears, turning away from him. "You cry when I leave you, you cry when I bring you with me, you cry when you're hungry, cold, tired, and for every other reason you can think of to be upset. I don't know how much more I can take of this," he said angrily as he slammed his book shut and got up. I picked my head up watching as he walked away. "No don't leave me," I said with a pout. I watched as he stalled in his tracks, balling his fists before slowly releasing them and then suddenly extending his arm out for me. He did this without a word, but I eagerly got up and took his arm allowing him to lead me to where he wanted to go. Even when he was angry he wouldn't leave me behind. I guess he learned his lesson.