divorced

can use me all you want

Feeling the bed shake, mew slowly opened his eyes, he looked to the empty space before him, signing, he turned, to look to gulf, has he was too his back, head turned to eye him standing placing on his clothes, back to him.
"Leaving?"
Gulf stopped to take a deep breathe, he kept his head hung to nod.
"Need to....... Go have something for breakfest then go to work. You, should do the same."
Mew slowly got up.
"Could, have breakfest together."
Gulf shook his head.
"No.....I want to be alone."
Gulf then turned to start to go towards the door, mew widened his eyes to then sit to the edge of the bed, hands cupped, hunched a bit over.
"Gulf?"
He was too the door, hand to the handle, he turned his head slightly too the side.
"What?"
"Well, what was this?"
Gulf took a deep inhale to look to the back of the door.
"You, know what this was....."
"Mm, you being selfish, greedy and using me?"
Gulfs body trembled.
"I..... Didn't know your, taking....."
"It's medication for my depression, started to take it after that...."
Gulfs eyes widen, to turn his head to eye mew.
"You.... Started to take it after your secretary?"
Mew rolled his eyes.
"Gulf it's not,"
He turned his head back, to look Angerly at the door.
"I don't want to fucking talk about it. What happened, it is what it is!"
Gulf then opened the door to hesitate in the door way.
"Gulf wait!"
Gulf hung his head, eye brows furrowed in anger.
"Why!"
"Any time...... This happens again, when you need to....just...... Text me or call.....I want you to use me gulf, if it..... Helps and you don't need to take your medication, use me all you want, with no labels. I want you to be selfish, to be greedy, I deserve nothing less."
Gulfs eyes darted.
"Really?"
Mew looked hopefully to gulf.
"Yes."
Gulf took a deep breathe in..
"I'll..... Think about it.... Right now, I need to be fucking far away from you. Can't believe your taking depressants because of your secretary!"
Mew stood to then see gulf leave. He signed deeply to place a hand to his forehead.
How can he.... Be so dense.....I am taking them because I lost gulf..... Lost my.... Family..... These meds have nothing to do with that fucking secretary that ruined my life, that I fired after that day, it is was all because..... Of you gulf, that I am taking them.
Mew sat to the edge of the bed, to hunch himself over, to hand his head, to place his hands to either side of his neck to rub.
I know.... This decision, is just going to.....cause more pain and hurt to my heart, but helping him.....I need to do it, I broke so many promises, caused so much harm to him.... This....I have to just grit my teeth and bare it, I..... Just love that man so very much....
To a diner around the corner, gulf sat, to cup his hands around, to eye it a bit in anger.
Gulf.... Did you really not have thought he wouldn't have gotten depressed over whatever happened between him and his secretary?
Guess..... After I found them out, he didn't see them anymore, thought they did, I know the day I found them, couldn't have been the only time he did such a thing, even though he has told me time and time again it was one stupid mistake and tried to tell me other things to the matter but.....
Gulf signed.
I..... Don't want to listen to it.....I know, half of our marriage failing, was my fault, I just don't ever want to hear of the bad..... That's my problem, I just thought, we were so happy, so in love, thought it could conquer everything life could possibly throw at us..... Guess I was wrong.....
Taking a deep breathe, he then placed the cup to his lips to consume.
Placing it down, he picked up his fork to then consume his breakfest with a sullen face.
Could this..... Really work.... Be a thing? Use my ex, just for sex? To counter my anxiety so I don't have to take those fucking pills?
Gulf signed.
He just jumped at the chance to say that to me, mew wants sex with me so bad, yet for those first 6 months with the twins, no matter how hard I tried, he denied me every time. Well, guess can't blame it all on him. I was tired most of the time, trying to be the perfect house husband, to keep my promise that I made to him, when he caved and let us talk to that surrogacy agency.
Before the girls, everything was going so well, but..... Once they came, I was trying to be the perfect husband, father, lover, cook, art director, tried to make sure to be there emotionally, physically and mentally for mew when so many things just started to fall apart for him.
First he couldn't graduate from his massage university, because his father had fallen ill, needed his son to take over the company, mew, you were just to good, then once the girls came, I also had to deal with my parents who came back into my life because they didn't want to be without there first grand daughters.
Gulf took a deep breathe in.
So many things, all happened at once over those that time frame, I just did too much, it's because I promised mew that I would since he agreed to have the girls.
How much of our marriage failing was because of me and not him?
Yes, he cheated on me with that secretary, but..... Did I drive him to them? I did notice how much they were looking to him, how much they seemed to want him, i..... Tried my best to steer mew away from them, we also both had to agree not to tell his company we were a couple, that we were married, because of his father, maybe they secretary didn't know mew had a family when they....
Gulf took a deep breathe to shake his head.
No! That line of thinking is not accurate, that could only be true if they did that at his office, probably where it started, then they had to..... In our room.... In our bed.....
Gulf then started to stab the food.
Damn it! I'm so.....fucking muddled right now! After everything this son of bitch has done to me, I should just use him!
Gulping, gulf took a deep breathe to nod.
That is exactly what I am going to do from now on. This will be nothing but guilt free sex! Should maybe do that with my boss, can tell he likes me, but I couldn't do that to him, he has been so nice to me.
I'll just do this to with my bastard ex.
Gulf peered his eyes to the side to chew at his inner cheek.
Be..... Selfish gulf..... For once..... Just..... Do this..... After how he was for those 6 months and him cheating on you, the fact he is taking depression meds because he lost his.... plus the lie that started this relationship, he..... Deserves to be just used.....
Gulf took a deep breathe, to stand to then pay for the meal.
Even though it made gulf feel horrible, terrible, odd and deceptive his mind was made up.
Use him......
Turning he went to his work, to start thinking of those first 6 months, that was driving him to go in this direction, to just use his ex without feeling too guilty about it.
Signing, he went forth, happy he didn't really drink, to get in his car to go to work, being then flooded of the past, it made him drive to work in anger.