Commander, Soldier, Spy (Erwin X Reader)

Chapter 5: Dust to Dust

I sat on the edge of my bed the candle flickering beside me threatening to go out at any moment. I read over Erwin's letter again feeling his essence within every carefully written word. I should stop while I was ahead, I was here to do a job and flirting was not a part of that. I laid back and stared up at my ceiling.

'Erwin is a great actor, I'll give him that,' I thought to myself. Anyone who doesn't really know him would never see this deeper, darker side to him. One that is full of guilt and turmoil though none-the-less still as strong and inspiring as the character he portrays to the outer world. I felt almost privileged that he'd opened up to me out of all people.

A twang of guilt pulled at my heartstrings. He trusted me and yet part of me was hiding the truth from him. It couldn't really be classed as lying, after all, I was simply stretching the truth. Nothing I'd told him had been a lie but I'd also not been completely honest in my original intentions.

The candle flickered once again and I sat up and blew it out with ease setting the letter on my beside table and getting under my blankets laying my head down.
My thoughts drifted as I closed my eyes.
'Maybe one day we could be more than pen pals...We both seem to understand each other and-' I shook my head. 'Stop it y/n, don't torture yourself on what might be. It won't end well if I keep thinking like this.' I scolded myself for even considering it. I sighed and turned onto my side, slowly drifting into dreams.

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The following morning I awoke to sunlight streaming in through the window. After getting ready for the day and eating breakfast I sat down at the table with paper and quill ready to reply to Erwin's most recent letter. It was finally my favorite part of the week, Sunday. A day of worship for those associated with the church and a day of rest for those who are less religiously inclined. For me, it was a day to relax. A day where I didn't need to rush to work and spend my day staring at the clock waiting for the day to be over so I could go back to bed.

My fingers brushed over the delicate petals of the flower that Erwin had included in his previous letter to me. I needed to find somewhere to put it that it wouldn't get damaged or crushed by accident. As I sat pondering as to if there was somewhere in my room to put it where it wouldn't be disturbed, an idea struck me. In a book. Perfect. I had a book on flowers lying around somewhere I was sure of it. And sure enough I found it pretty quickly. This would also be the perfect opportunity to find out what exactly this flower was, I'd never seen anything like it. Clearly these types of flowers weren't native where I grew up.

I flipped through the pages until I finally found it.

"Lily of the valley (Convallaria majalis) is a woodland flowering plant with sweetly scented, pendent, bell-shaped white flowers borne in sprays in spring. Found in areas in and around Wall Maria." I read aloud using my finger to keep my place.

"These flowers are thought to bring luck in love but can also symbolize a return of happiness." My cheeks blushed once again. Did he pick this specifically for its meaning? Or did he happen upon it by chance? I continued reading.

'Although, however innocent this plant may seem it is classified as a "1" on the poison scale, which means if ingested it has a major toxicity that can in most cases lead to death.' Good thing I wasn't planning on eating it. I chuckled slightly to myself placing the flower into the book and closing it setting back onto it's shelf. And returning to the table.

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Return address:
F/n L/n
Berg Newspapers
Stohess District

Dear Erwin,

Thank you so much for the lovely flower. I can't say I've ever stumbled upon one so beautiful before. In my home town we do not have flowers such as those growing wild so it gave me a nice excuse to research into the wildlife in areas I've visited but never explored fully. I was also interested to read about what this type of flower can mean.

It is said that a Lily of the valley can symbolises a return to happiness and whether you chose it for this reason or not my thoughts remain the same. I'm very happy that we can write to each other. As we both expressed in our letters our careers can cause us to be unemotional through loneliness and lack of understanding from those around us. I hope that someday we might meet and I wish that you could show me more of the wildlife that thrives here.

As we continue to write to each other, I'm noticing more and more how similar we are, sometimes it feels as if I'm reading my own words upon the paper. So take it from someone who's job has brought them more guilt than anything else. Take some time for yourself every once in a while. You can't be expected to be in top form for expeditions if your mind isn't in the right place.

I've heard word that the scouts are undertaking a particularly gruelling mission at this very moment and I'm sure once you return your mind will most likely be at a great unrest. So please do write me about your worries even if you never want to send it.

I wish you all the best, and praying that you return to your office safe and sound.

Y/n

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I blew gently on the letter to dry the ink and slid it into it's envelope which I'd already addressed to be sent to Survey Corps HQ just like always. A knock at the door startled me and I rose from my chair to answer it. As I approached I could just make out the mousy brown hair and distinctive features of Stefan's face through the warped glass, as usual he was grinning ear to ear as happy as ever. I pulled open the door.

"Hey Stefan, still working on a Sunday? Didn't they make a rule against that?" I said jokingly leaning against the door frame smiling slightly.

"Well yeah, but I saw this on the side yesterday and I figured I'd bring it over today." The wavy haired mailman extended his hand in which he held a letter.

"It's priority mail from Hermine district." He said softly his grin softening. My smile fell as I took the letter from him; It was time to go home. Stefan's freckled face showed immediate concern.

"Is something wrong?" He placed a hand on my arm gently. Stefan was a kind and understanding man, but even he could never understand my situation. His positive and cheerful demeanour was often the highlight of my day but in this moment even his smile could not lift my spirits.

"Of course. It's most likely from my mother. I'll be visiting her for a while I think. Her health isn't what it used to be. Would you do me a favour and let Roy know tommorow? I should leave as soon as possible." I walked away from the door beginning to pack some things together, remembering the letter sat on the table.
"Oh and could you make sure this gets sent off too? I was going to do it myself but it seems I won't have time now." I handed Stefan the letter as he nodded.
"Thank you so much Stefan, I owe you one." I gave him a brief hug.

"It's no problem. For you, anytime." He smiled once again, his cheeks reddened with blush. "Enjoy your trip, y/n." Stefan turned and headed off down the street tucking the letter into his post bag. Stefan was a god send. Always there when I needed help , whether that be posting mail or bringing me something to eat when I was working late. Sometimes I didn't know what I'd do without him. I finished packing up my bag and placed it by the door ready to leave first thing in the morning. I wasn't sure when I would be back but I hoped I wouldn't be gone for long. I also knew, that would all depend on the sort of reception that greeted me once I arrived there.