Commander, Soldier, Spy (Erwin X Reader)

Chapter 25: Shades of Blue

Stefan and I spent many happy days together. Holding hands in the beating sunshine and hugging each other close when the nights became bitterly cold.

All I had ever wanted was to be the one to make him happy, the one to make him laugh and the one to say that I loved him back. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. Instead I'd say anything but.

"Okay, I love you! See you later!" Stefan would chirp as he headed out to work.

"You mean the world to me." I would respond equally as chirpily And I suppose he didn't mind that. But I sort of wished that he would confront me about it. So I could spill my guts on how I had been feeling.

I would always care about Stefan I knew that for certain. I wanted to be there for him no matter what. And if the stars and moon had been aligned then I would have made him truly mine.

When I was with him, my worries faded, my heart beat in its steady rhythm and every word he spoke about me made me feel like the prettiest girl in the world.

I felt like an artwork. Placed in this earth for the joy of others. But I didn't deserve that.

I could sit and listen to him talk for hours, ignoring the time, his thoughts were always so interesting. And every conversation we would have felt like they improved us somehow. His stutter faded and he became more confident in himself. Stefan was so excited to experience daily life with me, but I still had a job to do. One that wouldn't allow me to have so many days off.
And so, despite how happy he made me. Apart of me knew that this couldn't last, I ignored it as best I could but somewhere deep down not only did my heart yearn that it would be Erwin holding me close but I also knew that I had to go back to my duty as a Marleyean spy.

I found myself re-reading Erwin's letters to me. His heart spilling onto the pages with the ink. I recalled my responses to him, equally as loving. I continued reading the Wildflowers book that I loved so much. Whether I was actually interested or whether it reminded me of the place Erwin and I went on our first meeting. The lily of the valley still sat between pages 23 and 24. I removed it carefully and held the flower to my chest. My heart ached to feel Erwin's warmth once again.

I realised then what I'd been pushing aside this whole time.

My heart would beat steady around Stefan but I often remembered the times I had spent with Erwin and how my cold blue heart had turned a bright and rosy red around him. He was the one who made my heart sing, the one who made me feel alive. Stefan had helped me so much, and platonically I did love him. I didn't want to hurt him but I also didn't want to keep up this lie that I was in love with him.

I couldn't continue to hold Stefan back. He deserved the world and I couldn't give that to him. All the time I continued to string him along in a web of lies, the more opporunities he passed by for someone better than me to find him and give him everything I couldn't.

I could never be the type to be tied down to daily life, I needed excitement, adrenaline, adventure. I was the type of girl that wanted everyday to be a surprise even if that came with danger. I was a thrill seeker, that was one of the reasons I enjoyed working for M.O.T.H.E.R so much. Despite the guilt I felt for betraying those in Paradis, I needed to repay the kindness of my parents by supporting the Marleyean forces and educating my life to providing them with intel on the status of Paradis. They had trained me to hate the "devils" that resided here but people like Stefan were the ones who had made me question that.

If I wanted to keep Stefan as a friend, I had to tell him the truth. I just needed to find the right time. I hoped that he wouldn't be so hurt as to never want to see me again. But even if that did happen I knew it would be for the best. Stefan was too good for this world. He really was my guardian angel, and I couldn't continue to clip his wings.