My Client the Rockstar (Book 2 Steel Wolf Collection)

Chapter 11

Slowly and delicately I unfold my letter to Ryder. I'm delaying the inevitable. This letter has been rewritten so many times I've lost count, but I have noticed trees eyeballing me in disgust over the amount of paper I've had to use. I struggled with finding the write words to express what I was thinking and feeling. Even though I've settled on this latest draft to read I still have a nagging sensation my words still aren't right. 

I had toss and turned all night last night with dread over today to the point I had rewritten my letter yet again. Not to mention Ryder kept blowing up my phone wanting to have a rendezvous with me. In his messages he claimed he only wanted to talk, but I called bullshit. Him and me alone late at night tends to end with me on my back. 

So I never responded to any of his messages because firstly I was concerned he would press me for information about todays meeting and secondly I wasn't ready to fall into his bed. This last trip to the hospital with him really shook me up and my emotions were still all over the place. In his messages he claimed he wanted to change, but I've heard those words from him before. 

Hence another reason why we were having this meeting. The rest of the band was tired of his empty promises. None of them wanted to remain sitting on the side lines and watch him while he slowly killed himself. Dimitri had shared with me Ryder wasn't always into the heavy drugs. His father going into jail was what had pushed him over the edge.

I can understand wanting to escape from your brain or what was bothering you. Dealing with my anxiety on a daily bases was not the greatest and since I refused to be medicated for it I too had to find other means to deal. Mostly I would throw myself into work for an escape, but a time or two I would smoke some weed to calm myself. 

Ryder was taking his escape to an unhealthy extreme. Shit maybe in my letter I should have listed some heathier options for him. No going back now. All of them were sitting and watching me. Waiting for me to begin. All of a sudden I started to feel nauseous and brake out in a cold sweat. My lungs struggle to fill with air and the room seems to be closing in on me.

Ryder's eyes alight with concern as he watches me spiral into a full blown panic attack. I'm not sure if reading the letter to him was the trigger, the thought of losing him or both. If I was a betting girl my money would be on both. We have get to verbalize the way we feel about each other, but I still know the truth.

Not being able to stay in the room a moment longer I push back my chair and stand on wobbly legs. The guys watch me with concern covering their faces. Ryder is basically the only one who has ever seen me like this because I try my hardest to hide this part of myself from the guys. They already worry enough about me and I don't want to add more. 

I stumble towards Lucan's patios doors needing to leave behind the walls of the indoors. The outside world was calling to me. Somehow I manage to push the doors open and take a step outside. Finally I take my first deep breath of air since all of this started. With each step I take my legs become sturdier and sturdier till I sink into a seat on his patio swing drawing my knees to my chest. The swaying motion comforts me and slowly I'm able to center myself.

Out of the corner of my eye I catch movement and I focus my gaze to see who was joining me. I'm not surprised when I discover Ryder lazily make his way towards me with his hands in his pocket. He pauses in his movement when he was close to where I was. His eyes search mine seeking permission to join me on the swing. All I can manage to do is not my head. Ryder waste no time claiming to spot next to me. 

So here we sit in silence rocking back and forth both of us lost in our own thoughts. With each sway of the swing my tense muscles loosen to the point I no longer have my knees tightly pressed against my chest.