Love and Lies [Saioumami]

I'm Not What You Think

🥀 WARNING - This chapter contains self-degradation. There may be more in future chapters, this is the only warning for this theme, so please be wary. 🥀

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Kokichi's leg bounced underneath the cafe table as he stared down at his lap, not wanting to face Kirigiri. The girl in question hummed in thought as her glance flickered between Kokichi and Celestia sitting before her. As they'd discussed before making their way out, the three all had textbooks spread across the table, pretending to do schoolwork in case the Ludenberg's had sent another spy.

"So you two aren't actually in a relationship. What a thing to go through, I'm so sorry." Kirigiri offered her condolences after Celestia and Kokichi had explained their situation. After hearing no other words, Kokichi raised his head to notice Kirigiri shooting a glare through his skull. Getting the message, Kokichi jumped to his feet with an excuse.

"I need the bathroom, you two have fun with your work!" He chuckles, skipping off to the restroom to leave the girls alone for a few minutes. An over-enthusiastic male's shouting drowned out the creaking of the bathroom door as Kokichi slipped inside, only to find Momota pacing at the sinks, shouting into his phone. Slipping past the boy, Kokichi managed to hide in a stall furthest away from Momota so he wouldn't notice him in the mirror.

"Look Maki-roll, I know!" Momota groaned, seeming frustrated. "If Shuichi is happy that means we're happy. I know he wants to find his soulmates, I know he said he was scared about having two marks but there's no way he's right!" Is he arguing with Harukawa about... Shuichi? "There's no way Ouma is his soulmate, I won't allow it." What? Does Shuichi actually think I'm his soulmate? Was Celestia right? "Yes I have the ability to change fate, all heroes do! Oi, I am a hero thank you!"

Momota continued on his rant, causing more and more questions to cloud Kokichi's mind. "Maki, I know Ouma is only going to abuse Shuichi. I can't allow my sidekick to get hurt whether it's fate or not." Kokichi's mind went blank, he couldn't believe the words coming from that scumbags filthy mouth. He... thinks I'd abuse Shuichi? Why would I ever hurt someone I love?!

I've always been a rude, immature kid on purpose. Mother and Father always told me I could never have friends, people would never, ever like me, so I pushed everyone away. Rantaro and Shuichi were the only ones who seemed to see the real me, they've both helped me through things for years and they know the most about me, even though they don't know much. I know I can be a handful to deal with, and I've hurt people throughout my life, but I'd never, ever abuse someone... I'll never be my parents.

Kokichi didn't notice the tears streaking down his cheeks until it was too late. He also didn't notice the lack of talking in the bathroom as the door shrieked open and shut. Even though Momota's words extremely offended him, he knew it wasn't the other boy's fault. Momota had a strange obsession with being the protagonist in a game, referring to himself as a hero and actively seeking out troublemakers like Kokichi to 'fix'. It wasn't his fault at all. It's mine.

Exiting the stall, Kokichi shoved his palms into his eyes. Rubbing the pool of tears, his pathetic reflection stared back at him. Look at you, crying in public like this because of some bullshit a stupid, fuckhead of a boy said. "You're pathetic, you're disgusting, you're useless, you're a horrid, stupid, monster!" Kokichi shouted into the mirror, his tears plopping into the germ-ridden sink underneath him. "Shut up, no one wants to hear your fucking, dumbass voice." He mumbled at his reflection, finding solace in degrading himself.

Kokichi cupped his hands under the running tap, splashing his face with water. As the cool water mixed with his warm tears, the small boy felt slightly calmer. Good, I don't look like I've been crying. He sighed, steadying his slightly scattered breathing. I wonder if Kyoko's finished talking about what she needs to with Celestia, I don't want to interrupt but I want to go home...

"Fuck it." He mumbled to no one in particular, leaving the bathroom and making his way towards the table where the two girls were chatting. As soon as he got to his seat, Kokichi slammed his books shut and shoved all of his belongings into his backpack. 

"Kokichi? What's the matter?"

"N-nothing. I just uh, got a call... and I have to leave. You two enjoy the evening." Shit, I stuttered... Oh well, I'll just lie and say that it was bad news if she asks? She'll believe me right?

"I'll walk you home. Sorry to cut this short Kyoko but it's been fun today." Celestia smiled at the girl in front of her as she neatly packed her bag.

"No no, you two have fun." Kokichi really didn't want Celestia to follow him.

"Kokichi, I insist."

"I don't need your help okay? I'm more than capable of walking home on my own!" Kokichi snapped, ignoring the weird looks from surrounding tables.

"I'm coming with you and we're talking about what's wrong with you." Celestia ordered, leaving no room for disagreement with her authoritative aura. "Goodbye Kyoko."

"I'll see you tomorrow Celestia. I hope everything is okay Ouma, just know you can talk to me if you need to."

"Whatever." A knife stabbed through his heart at his words, automatically resorting to his rude attituude. He wanted to say sorry, but his throat held back the words. Kokichi knew it was wrong, especially after his mini-episode in the bathroom a few minutes prior, but Kirigiri was trying to help and therefore needed to pushed away.

Celestia grabbed Kokichi's wrist, yanking him from his thoughts as they walked down the street. "I'll ask you again, what's wrong?"

"Someone I knew was in the bathroom. I heard them say a few mean things about someone and I'm pissed off." I mean, it's not technically a lie is it? "I'm over it now, it got boring. So, what did Kirigiri want to talk about?"

"Well, she found her soulmate."

"Oh, was it not you? Were we wrong?"

"No! Actually, we were right!" Kokichi swore he saw Celestia's cheek turn a rosy hue. "She... she's my soulmate Kokichi. I found her! Our soulmarks went white when we touched!" He'd never seen Celestia this happy before, she wasn't acting like herself at all. "What about you? Do you know if your friends are your soulmates?"

Kokichi stopped in his tracks, realising he needed to make a decision, and soon. It was easy though, no other decision was right. There was only one way. "I'm not finding my soulmates. They can go fuck themselves."