Its A Kind Of Magic (Previously 'Deciding')

Chapter 19: Little Monkey

I went home after seeing my dad. I was glad he was ok, that he was going to be fine, that he would recover. My mom was another story however. She might not be ok, she might not be fine, she might not recover; and it scared me. I didn't want to go through life without her. I couldn't imagine her not being there for my graduation, my first job, my wedding day, the birth of my children. The thought of her not being there with me through such important milestones in my life, quite frankly scared the shit out of me. I didn't want to imagine her being there with me, I wanted her there with me!

That night I couldn't sleep. My mind was too heavily focused on my mom. I needed to see her. Awake or not. I hadn't seen them properly in 6 months. Why did our meeting have to be under such horrible circumstances?

In the morning I got up and had a shower, feeling a bit riffy after being in the hospital so much. I made myself some toast with butter and jam and sat in front of the Tv with some Friends reruns on. Although I wasn't watching it, even though it was one of my favourite programmes. I couldn't help but feel guilty for the small mundane things that I were doing. Eating toast and watching Tv, something my mom was incapable of doing. Something so simple, that she may not be able to do again. The doctor hadn't said it because he knew I know about the risks of back surgery. One wrong move whilst in surgery could mean paralysis. An action so small, could potentially result in her not moving again or living the same!

After pondering over all my thoughts I decided to go to the hospital to see her. The nice nurse I had met the first day I was here escorted me to her room. I walked in and heard the heart beat monitor beeping like it had in my dad's room, except the difference here was, it wasn't as frequent. I slowly walked over to her bed and sat down next to her. The bed sunk slightly underneath me and I almost slipped off. I giggled as I knew what my mom would say

'Always so clumsy you little monkey!'

She had always called me a monkey after I climbed the tree with Beth and got stuck. The day Jack had to help us down.

I got up and shuffled onto the bed a bit further this time. I watched her for a while, the beeping sounds soon disappeared into the background and it was as if time had frozen around us. I wrapped me hands around her hand and rubbed it with my thumb.

"Hi Mom" I whispered. "How are you?" It was a stupid question really but it just slipped out. "I'm fine... I, I got a boyfriend. His name is Tom. He stayed here with me, the other night. The first night you and Dad were here. He's nice. Dad doesn't know yet. You know what he's like when it comes to boys" I laugh and think of the first time I said I went out to the cinema with a boy. Dad flipped out. He tried to lock me in, but Mom calmed him down and occupied him with the fact she broke his favourite glass a few days earlier. "I miss you mom" I looked at her emotionless face and didn't notice the tear that rolled down my cheek. "Please don't leave me. Don't die... please" More tears fell down my face, the occasional one fell on our wrapped up hands. "You can't leave me, Dad or Auntie Anne or Grandma or Grandad and everyone else. We all love you and you can't quit on us" I choked out, full on sobbing. "This is the time you bring out all the fight you have hidden inside you and fight all the injuries and set backs". Another tear fell. Then another. Then another. "I don't want you not in my life" I lay down next to her on the unusually large hospital bed. I lay with my head on her chest and holding her hand still. "I know I might not say it enough, but I love you Mom" I whisper holding back the second wave of the flood of tears...