Blue ; Timothée Chalamet

28.

Warning: Heavy drug use

I left Blue's quickly the other morning. Even tho Blue never judges me and has seen me have an anxiety attack before; I was too embarrassed to face him. He tried calling and texting me a few times, but I decided to give it a couple of days and self-sabotage myself instead. 

I found myself hanging out with Baxter once again. After everything that happened the past few days, I just needed some relief, and Baxter would give me just that. I was high out of my mind lying on the couch in my apartment. Baxter sat on the floor hanging over the table, cutting up lines up Adderall to snort for himself. My eyes were heavy and limp from the different pills Baxter was feeding me. The things Savannah said about me ran through my head nonstop. 

"You good?" Baxter asked after snoring a line.

"Yeah," I mumble.

This time hanging out with Baxter was different, we weren't all lovey-dovey like the last, and frankly, I didn't want him to touch me at all. Baxter knows my intentions whenever I call; I don't bullshit. If I want sex and drugs, that's exactly what I get; if I only want drugs, he won't think twice about touching me. 

"You want more?" Baxter asked, interrupting my thoughts.

I extended my hand towards him, indicating yes. Baxter placed more pills in my hand and returned to his own doing.

"What have you been giving me anyway?" I ask weakly.

"Oxycotin and Xanax. It makes for a nice pill cocktail." 

I fiddle with the pills in my palm. I stared at them, knowing I didn't need anymore. I wished so badly that I was lying here being comforted by Blue. I wished that I could tell Blue how I really felt so he could lift me off my feet to a better life of safety and love. I knew better than to bring Blue into my fucked up life. Things between us would never work, so there was no point in ever getting vulnerable with him. 

"You know, Frankie, since you love those pills so much, I have something I think you'd like better. It's cheaper and stronger." Baxter shuffled around in his bag.

I turned my head towards him and waited for him to continue. 

Baxter smiled and pulled multiple things out of his bag. "Here." Baxter walked towards me and grabbed my arm to yank me up. 

Baxter propped me on the couch to get a better view; my head was so fuzzy I could barely keep it up. In front of me, Baxter laid out a needle, a spoon, a wrapped baggie with brownish dust, a lighter, and what looked like a tourniquet. 

"You've never tried this, huh?" Baxter said, looking at me devilishly.

"Is that- heroin?" I manage to get the words out.

"Yeah yeah, it's nothing, seriously you'll love it." 

"I don't know about all that, Baxter."

"What, why?"

"I've never done something THAT heavy," I emphasized the heavy.

"It's the same as taking Oxy; it's just cheaper and a way better high," Baxter said, unwrapping the bag.

"I don't think I should do that; I don't want to get addicted." I sit up and push my hair out of my face.

"You really think you aren't addicted now?" Baxter laughs. "Frankie, you're a drug addict; everyone knows it." 

"That's not true." I shoot Baxter a look.

"You can't drink without coke, you can't be sad, angry, happy, confused, yadda yadda yadda, without taking a Xanax or Oxy, but you have no issue? Give me a break. You hit me up every time you need a high, surprised you lasted that long without me." Baxter pushed back into the couch, crossing his arms.