My Best Friends Brother

Chapter 137

To say that the last week has been one of the hardest of my life, would be an understatement.

After Josh was finished sobbing his heart out that night, his body completely shutdown with utter exhaustion. For the first two days, I did nothing but hold him. Every few hours Lee, Brie or Steve would come and take my place so I could eat, but I'd hurry just to get back to him.

Josh hardly said a word, and I didn't expect him too, not with everything he had going on inside his head. It was too much to process. He couldn't respond to what I told him that night, couldn't reciprocate my declaration, but every time his hands would hold onto my skin for the following days or his lips would meet my neck in a delicate touch whilst searching for comfort, I could feel them on the tip of his tongue.

For the last week I've been able to feel every ounce of love he has for me even though he can't say it. The relief on his body from letting go of the albatross that's been hanging around his neck has kind of inspired a whole new side of him, one where his fear of rejection has been slowly replaced with the acceptance that he is deserving of all the happiness that surrounds him.

Steve never left the house, even after Josh told him it was okay too. He was the first person that Josh spoke to after telling me everything that really happened the night of the shooting. He told him all of it, it broke my heart all over again to watch him breakdown that way but the moment that it was all over I could see the weight he'd been carrying on his shoulders for all these years start to chip away finally. Sharing the strain that had been caged around his heart for so long seemed to half it's hold on him.

Steve didn't just feel the hardship of what Josh had gone through that night, Steve felt all the weight of an older brother realising he had allowed his younger brother to be in pain for so long. Knowing the person he loved so much couldn't come and talk to him about something so crushing was enough to destroy one of the strongest men I've ever met. Steve quickly began to blame himself for not being there Josh's entire life and making him feel like they couldn't have had this conversation so much sooner, but Josh wouldn't let that happen. The truth is it was neither of their faults, Josh did what he had to do to be able to get up and walk around in this world every single day, him keeping all this to himself was his way of coping with so much unrelenting guilt.

He was terrified to tell Lee and Brie, me and Steve sat with him the entire time as he explained away all the agony he had been housing for longer than anyone else could've possibly stood. I swear that days later he was still trembling from that conversation, the thought that the two of them would hate him was still so strong throughout his body at the time, even after hours of me and Steve assuring him that they wouldn't.


They reacted exactly the way I thought they would, with nothing but love.

Lee was hysterical, not just because she was finally finding out the truth about Harley but also because she realised how much holding onto all this had been tearing apart her best friend without her ever even knowing. I think she knew better than anyone else what it is to carry the guilt that comes with having someone die because of you, even if it was outside of your control.

She threw her whole body around him and just refused to let go, they all sat there for so long, hours... I didn't realise that Brie could cry that much.

Brie isn't always the best with her emotions, and before that day I'd never seen Steve anything other than perfectly composed either, but in those moments they both let it all out. Brie seemed to suck the pain straight out of Josh into herself, absorbing it and letting it settle within her soul so he didn't have to possess that guilt-ridden affliction alone anymore.

There was so much sadness, so much hurt and so much pain, but soon it became something else. As the day turned into night, those stories stopped being so much about the death of those they had all lost and became so much more about the joy and happiness brought to their lives by those people in the first place.

Lee told this story about Chad taking her to an adult play centre, the way her whole face lit up describing his crazy antics made me realise how much he truly touched her life.

Brie had so many stories about Granny that I must have spent most of the night clutching my stomach with laughter. I always knew that woman was special but listening to her life retold by someone that loved her so much, it was like reading a book about the most beautiful hero.

Steve kept checking with me whenever Josh would talk about Harley, giving me subtle looks to make sure I was okay with my boyfriend smiling about another man whilst he sat between my legs with my arms wrapped tightly around his body. I can understand why some people would feel jealous or even envious of someone they love talking about someone else they loved so highly, but that's not me.

Listening to him be able to say Harley's name like that without tears in his eyes brought me more alleviation than anyone could ever understand. I want to see him happy, always.

That's the thing with Josh, even on his very worst days, even when he hasn't brushed his teeth and the tears that have dried on his stubble make him look like he's been hunting out in the wilderness for a week - he still makes me more intoxicated with happiness than anyone else ever has.

I'm just so fucking blissful to have him back.

Through every moment of it, he never let go of my hand. He may not have told me that he loved me back that night, he still hasn't, but I don't need that right now. I didn't tell him because I needed reassurance from him on how he feels about me, I told him because I needed him to know how much I fucking love him.

There is only love for Josh now. There was only ever going to be love for him, from everyone.

And he's finally feeling it.

Lee set him up with a really amazing therapist and they are working on him at least attempting to forgive himself for that night but I know it won't happen overnight. The weight of carrying the secret may be gone but the pain from that night and the guilt that comes along with it are still very much active parts of his beautiful mind.

I went with Josh to his first appointment and waited outside in case it was all too much for him but he actually came out of there looking ten pounds lighter. He's spent so long thinking everyone was going to hate him I think the moment he realised they wouldn't it just released so much of that hurt and agony from his body.

He's decided that he's not ready to tell Nicola exactly what happened yet, I think he'll need to be much further along in the process of forgiveness before he can have that conversation with her, but I'm just really fucking proud of all the steps he's made.


I still don't want to leave him though. For the last week if I haven't been in school then I've been here, with him. I'm starting to get kind of used to calling this place home...

Chrissy took Liam with her to Las Vegas a few days ago. It was the first time Josh left the house for something that wasn't therapy when we took that sweet boy to the gaming diner before he left. It was good just to see him out and about doing normal things again, slowly finding his smile that just lights up my whole fucking life. That little man doesn't even realise how much having him be a part of Josh's life is fucking essential. He's just a ball of light in what is sometimes overwhelming darkness for my man.

Being with Liam was probably the best thing that happened for Josh last week, although it definitely wasn't easy for either of us to take that kid back to his mother knowing he was dreading this holiday more than anything else.

Trapped for a week with Chrissy? Yeah, sounds like hell to me too.

If Josh could have kept him from going I know he would have but Chrissy made a point of clearing it all with the social worker so Josh couldn't get involved. I don't know why the fuck she took him though, she clearly doesn't give a shit about the kid, but apparently the guy she's dating is into stable women, so of course Liam makes her look like the best mother since fucking Teresa.

That boy is who he is in spite of her, not because of her. There's nothing of that woman in him, he's Josh through and through.

Josh glances up from the TV, running his fingertips up and down my forearm before getting caught up in the game again. Now that he's taken a step forward it's like I can finally see my stars again in his eyes, he started smiling at stupid stuff again yesterday and fuck have I missed it.

"So this is the guy they want you to take over from? I'm not surprised, you're a fuck-tonne better than he is." Josh throws another handful of popcorn straight into his mouth, a piece slipping out of the side but he hardly seems to notice as his eyes remain glued to the sports station.

"He's actually really good," I retort. "You're just biased." Josh doesn't even try to hide it, smirking and trying to glance at me through the corner of his eye to not be so obviously checking out my naked chest but I see him. Perv. "They're saying he'll be out for at least two years, that's if he can come back at all." I quickly snatch the popcorn that he's been hogging all fucking evening. He's already ate his weight in pancakes all day so the only explanation I have for him now needing popcorn to watch the sports channel is that Lee's pregnancy must be fucking contagious. "Coach said the guy has been calling constantly to get my answer but he's told him that he doesn't want me making any decisions until Christmas."

This is the third time Josh has made me watch the college highlight reels this week, I know that he's trying to show that he's really supportive of me leaving even after everything. It's cute but I'd pretty much made up my mind that I wasn't going to go the moment Coach handed me the offer.

Jayce has made pretty clear that he thinks I should take it too but I don't particularly want to listen to his judgement right now. He has his own reasons to make me leave, ones Josh has been reluctant to divulge, but considering that Lee has had nothing nice to say about her husband every time I see her, I know it ain't good.

It's not just I don't want to leave Josh anymore anyway. I had a plan for how this year was going to go and I don't want to be thrust into my first year of college half-cocked and playing catch up. It'll be hard enough being a freshman on such a prestigious team, without all the workload I'll need to catch up on thrown on top.

Then there's May, Liam, Heather, the new baby... The list of reasons for me not to run away seems to be growing every single day. Not accepting the offer now wouldn't mean I won't go to college at all, I can just go when everyone else does next year.

I'll still think about it for the next few weeks, but when I was sitting in that diner with Liam at my side and Josh across the table looking back at us like we were the most perfect people in the world, I realise that I'm just not ready to not be able to do that with them every week right now. I will be, I'm going to go to college and I'm going to turn pro, but I don't have to do that right now.

Right now I can just be here.