My Best Friends Brother

Chapter 226

The weight in my pocket that has felt like an albatross around my neck ever since it was handed to me feels so much lighter as I pull up to the familiar set of iron gates and type in the code, grateful he hasn't had time to change it since last night.

I know this needs to happen, if I have any chance of finding a future then I need to wipe away the blood from my ledger first.

My fist hits the glass door before I have time to overthink it. I haven't had to stand outside these doors without just walking in for a long time, but when the shocked face of the owner approaches me with his green eyes wide and blonde hair scraped back to show off his handsome features, I realise that this is exactly where I need to be.

Xade hesitates, glancing up the staircase for a moment before he shakes his head and pulls open the door. He's never been someone that makes my heart skip a beat, but he is someone that helped it start beating again, I owe him this for that alone.

"Hey," I smile gently at him, I'm not sure if he wants to hug me or hit me from the look on his face before he crosses his arms over his chest, leaning against the door and delicately smiling back.

"Hey."

Okay, how I'm supposed to start this? Last night he asked me to be honest with him, I guess that's exactly what I'm going to do.

"I'm sorry." I begin. "Before I say anything else I want you to know that. I'm sorry that I hurt you and I'm sorry that the last two days have been so fucking painful for you. I never wanted that, I've never wanted to be the one to do that to you. I'm sure you really hate me right now and I'm not sure you'll even want to hear this but I'm going to say it anyway; you have been so good to me, incredible actually. You are one of the best people I've ever met and I hope you know that when I think about you or talk about you it is only going to be with nothing but fucking joy because that's what you've brought to my life."

He keeps his eye glued to the floor as I speak, I don't know what he wants to do or what he wants to say to me, so I just stand quietly and wait for him to get there.

"See, it's shit like this which is why everyone is always falling in love with you." He glances up at me through his eyelashes, nerves crawling all over his frame but his eyes so bright that even if we were standing in the middle of the dark night sky I would be able to see them.

"I'm sorry." I'm not really sure what else I can say to that.

Xade sighs, leaning up from the door and standing strong. He actually looks okay, not that I wouldn't want him to be but I guess I thought a part of him would be a lot more torn up than he looks right now.

"Don't be sorry Josh, it's not your fault. A part of me always knew the truth I just didn't want to believe it... I always knew that I was just what you accepted, not what you wanted. Last night after about my eleventh? Glass of seriously questionable red 'wine' at that dive of a bar..." He chuckles slightly and it makes a tiny weight lift up off my heart. "...I realised that I think in some ways it was the same for me. I was so caught off guard when we met, we had such a quick connection and we wanted the same things. I got so caught up on that, I couldn't see all the things that we didn't have. All the stuff that should be there but wasn't. I also wouldn't see what you really wanted... who you really wanted."

It wasn't like that, not the way he thinks anyway. For me it was never about him taking the place of Miles, for me he was someone that filled a hole inside of me that grew because of who I am. He brought a different kind of light and happiness to me, he may not have been someone I was in love with but he is the first person that reminded me how good life can be again.