My Best Friends Brother

Chapter 225

JOSH'S P.O.V

"You still not going to smile there, sweetie? You want me to cut the crusts off your sandwiches too?" Al jokes as she finishes off making food for all the kids, I've been staring at the sandwich she made me twenty minutes ago ever since she put it down in front of me but I just can't bring myself to eat it.

I feel sick, and it has fuck all to do with the hangover.

Liam and Heather sprint over from the living room, taking their plates of sandwiches from the side, Heather sneakily grabbing another brownie for them both before they race back off to their movie. I really just want to go home and back to my bed but he looks so happy here, I can't rip him away yet.

"She eats twice as much as him you know, I don't know where the fuck she gets it from." Al comments, looking over at Heather who has already taken half of Liam's sandwich, although he doesn't complain.

This woman can eat chips when she's pregnant like they're fucking oxygen and she doesn't know where her daughter gets her appetite from? I've also seen Jayce practically inhale an entire pig at the monthly fucking barbecues so they should expect that girl to have a pretty ferocious fucking need for food.

"He's never been a big eater." I mumble, tearing off a corner of my sandwich but never actually bringing it to my lips.

I feel like shit.

Al rest her elbows on the other side of the counter from me, we always end up sitting in the kitchen when I'm here with how loud her fucking kids are throughout the rest of the house.

She looks down at my untouched food, taking the sandwich that's still whole and biting a chunk out of it the same way her daughter just did with my brothers.

"So, you going to tell me what the fuck happened now? Or are you still at the stage where we're pretending that everything's fine until you have a mental breakdown and fucking confess? Because I should let you know that Cara only slept for about seven minutes last night so my patience is pretty fucking thin and my blood is more coffee than plasma right now, so you may want to hurry it up." She tries to chuckle some happiness into me but I just can't let it in, I just feel... lost.

I hurt two people I really fucking care about last night. Two days ago I had a fiancé, a future and a fucking life to plan. Yesterday I was chest to chest with the man that has lived rent free in my heart from the moment I felt his lips. Today I have nothing. Just fucking nothing.

Not that I have anyone to blame but myself for that.

I didn't realise how much of it I'd been bottling up. I'd always told myself that Miles left for a reason, a good fucking reason, so I never had any right to be mad at him.

Last night I realised that I am mad. In fact, I'm fucking furious.

I'm furious at the system that refused to see us for what we were and put us in this position in the first place.

I'm furious at my father for bringing a child into the world that he's never given a fuck about and left.

I'm furious at myself for not letting this all in years ago so I could fucking deal with it properly. I'm furious at myself for being so fucking selfish and saying yes to Xade when I knew in my heart that we were never meant to be.

And I'm furious at... him... I'm fucking furious at him because no matter what; no matter the pain I feel or the guilt that hit me when I wanted to kiss him so badly, no matter how many times my heart is shattered by him and I promise never again, no matter how many times I try to convince myself that it just needs more time to get over it... All it takes is for him to look at me with those perfect hazel eyes and I realise that I could never fucking hate him. I could never fucking stop wanting him. I could never stop...what he is to me.