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The peace of the night is short lived. Too short lived. Two nights after their visit to the emergency room, Onyx was back to screaming to his head off. It's night six of this.
Harper rocks the baby, tired and frustrated as he screams. She sniffles and wipes her tears before teasing him with the bottle again. He turns his head away from it and cries harder. Harper clenches her jaw and closes her eyes.
"I don't know what you want, Onyx. I can't-." She taps the bottle on the counter as starts to get upset. "I can't. I can't..."
Harper walks to her bedroom and puts Onyx into his crib before walking to the bathroom. His screams get worse when she's out of sight. She closes the door behind her and opens the window to let in cool, fresh air. When it hits her, a wave of clarity washes away her moment of rage.
She realizes just how upset she got and puts her back against the door. Her eyes water quickly as she begins to cry.
What was I so mad about? Where did it come from? I could've hurt him.
Harper covers her face with her hands and slides to the floor with her back against the door. She sobs into her hands in the bathroom as her son screams in the other room.
She wants nothing more than to get up and help him. She want to take his tears and stress away. She wants to soothe him. She wants to calm him. But she doesn't know how. She doesn't know what it is that he wants, what is she doing wrong? What is she doing that she can't calm her own child down?
Isn't there supposed to be some maternal instinct? Some mom to baby connection? Why isn't she getting it? Why isn't she understanding how this works? Why can't she get this down? Why is she so terrible at this?
Harper puts her head back against the door and swallows thickly. Hearing the cries of her son and feeling like there's nothing that she can do, she feels like the worst mother on the planet. How did she get to this point? How did she get here? She never planned to be this way.
She never thought she'd be a single mother. She never thought she'd be a mother at all. To be frank, she didn't think she'd even be here right now. She was sure that she'd be dead. Whether it be by his hands or her own, she was sure that she'd be at peace. She was there. She was right there, so close.
But she just had to find out about Onyx. She just had to find out that she was pregnant. The only lethal thoughts against her that the knowledge stopped were her own. The delicate state of her body never once slowed or stopped the assaults placed upon her. It never gave her enough leeway to escape the abuse.
Now here she is, after months and months of trying to rebuild herself. After months of staying in a shelter for battered women, she had her beautiful baby boy. The people that worked there were very nice, very kind. After she delivered, they set her up with the local department of social services. They helped her find an apartment that's she's responsible for paying some of the rent for.
