Lonely Tears S2: My Beginning, End and Ever After

PART 16: Indelible

WAR POV

It's been 3 days since that day I told Yin that I didn't love him anymore and I also avoided him as much as I could. Everytime he tried to talk to me, I ignored him, everytime he walked towards me, I would purposely go to my other friends, everytime he came closer to me, I would run away. I did everything I could to ignore him not because I hate him but because I wanted to save my heart, saving my heart from getting hurt for the same reason.

When love contrasts with a past trauma that has hurt you so badly, it can be frightening. I didn't want to experience the pain again as it felt like it killed me and just remembering it makes me afraid to open my heart fully again.

We all have a 'critical inner voice' which acts like a cruel coach inside our heads that tells us we are worthless or undeserving of happiness and my love for him stirs up existential fears. I not only face the fear of losing him if he knows about my feelings but I become more aware of the mortality.

Our life now holds more value and meaning, so the thought of losing him becomes more frightening. In an attempt to cover over this fear, I even try to rationalize to myself a million reasons why I shouldn't tell him my real feelings that I still love him.

The best I can do is open my heart to someone else and despite how tough it is to fall in love with others, I will try.

I came out of my room to go to class and there was food already hanging on the doorknob. I knew it was Yin because we used to go to breakfast together everyday but since that day, we're not anymore as I kept ignoring him even though I knew he would come to my room every morning and sometimes he would wait for me after class to talk to me.

I never accepted the food he gave me and I knew the next morning that he was the one who threw it away and replaced it with the new food he bought.

I went to the class and sat beside Pack with my eyes swollen because I studied until late at night because tomorrow is our test. I yawned and laid my face on the table while waiting for our lecturer to arrive.

"Are you sleepy?" Pack asked while caressing my hair and I just hummed, not having an energy to answer or even move my muscles.

"Did Yin not come to class today?" I heard Prat asked Off.

"Maybe a little bit late. He has a fever," Off answered and my eyes opened to see my surroundings and Yin still didn't come. I continued to lay my face on the table and I didn't know whether Pack or Bonz played with my hair because I was too lazy to stop whoever it was as my eyes felt so heavy.

"Did you have a Panadol?" I heard Yin's voice asked our friends and I opened my eyes slowly to see he was sitting beside Off, two seats away from me. I looked at Pack sitting beside me and he was still playing with my hair while his eyes focused on his phone.

"Anyone have a Panadol? Yin have a headache!" Off shouted with his loud voice as always.

"Can you slow down your voice, asshole! You embarrassed me!" Yin replied and I smiled a little.

I took out the Panadol from my bag and passed it to Off, telling it's from Bonz and I saw Yin still massaging his head. Yeah, I'm a little bit worried but I know there are other people who worry more about him, so I changed my attention to the other direction.

"Let's go to eat," Bonz said after our class ended.

"You guys go first. I need to go to the toilet," Yin said and I could see his red eyes. He then walked away from there but Prat also followed him as they were also aware of him not feeling well.

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YIN POV

I threw up as soon as I came inside the toilet, maybe because I didn't feel unwell and just drank coffee for the past few days. I also slept late at night because I kept studying for my test and I didn't know what happened with my sleeping and eating schedule, I didn't even take care of myself properly.