Octo-Oneshots

Idiot Family

T/W!- Mentions of alcohol and sex

The phone was far too loud for Jane to wake up to this morning. She wondered why... oh yeah! Her eyes fell on the bottle with the violent smell still sitting on her bed with a little glass cup embossed with a ducky to accompany it.

"You're never drinking again." She commanded herself aloud, but she knew for a fact that her vow would be broken by the end of that month. Jane put a paw to her pounding head and swore quietly as the phone rang once, twice, thrice. Who the actual heck wanted to talk to her this desperately?

"What?" She growled as menacingly as she could with a raging hangover.

"Yarr, matey, is that any way to talk to yer lieutenant?" Jane gritted her head and leaned her forehead against the wall. Ever since she'd relocated to San Francisco, the Octopod insisted on docking there once or twice each year to "check up on her". This time, Pinto and Kwazii had insisted on coming over, and it was anyone's guess what unfolded afterwards. Now she remembered why she downed those 11 shots of whiskey, so she wouldn't have to claim responsibility for them when they inevitably did something stupid. Jane had been hoping the whiskey was strong enough to knock her out until tomorrow, but she'd gotten her hopes up a little too high.

"What do you want?" She grumbled, it was far too early for this. A little bit of scuffling could be heard over her phone, then a new voice, one that made her blood boil and her ears shake on their own came over the phone.

"SAUMENSCH, hehehe." That idiot, "Remember that large grey concrete building a few blocks off of that punk club you like?"

Oh f-; that would be the police station where they held all the drunks from said club. Jane cursed her slightly flawed judgement for allowing her to leave them intoxicated at the club while she took her girlfriend home and... it wasn't important.

"How much do they want for you?" She rubbed her aching head. Even after she was extremely drunk, they still managed to give her headaches.

"Nothing, you just have to take us home." Pinto answered her sweetly.

"Why couldn't you have gone to bother Koshi in Boston or bother Squirt in Southampton?" She pleaded with them.

"We were planning on it, riiight after we're finished with you." Pinto sounded too happy for someone who drank heavily the night before.

"Good." She snapped, "The only problem is I don't have a car, and they won't let me take you on foot or by public transportation."

"How-"

"This isn't my first rodeo, Arschloch." For the first time today, she smiled, "I'm sure the Octopod has some vehicles I could use. If I just call the Captain and-"

"NO!" She could hear both Pinto and Kwazii yell, and she covered the receiver up as she slumped to the floor, laughing too hard to stand up.

"I'm kidding, I'm kidding." she reassured them, "I'll borrow my neighbor's." Their sighs of relief were audible over the phone.

"See you in a while, Saumensch." Pinto laughed.

"See you in a while too, Dummkopf." Jane smiled despite herself. Pinto and Kwazii were the reasons she'd probably start growing gray hairs in a month or so, but still, they were family, and even though she'd never admit it to herself, she sorta missed them.