Duty of Love

Chapter 16

Adidev's POV

The rain was lashing at me. Somewhere, I could hear the clap of thunder and howling of winds but I am numb to all that. All I could feel is the fire inside my heart which has started to burn me from within, inch by inch.

I used to stamp around in my room

The worst was my backache

It would take me half an hour to just get up and sit on bed

I would sleep on the recliner

You don't like me waking you up

The words were roaring in my ears drowning me in my guilt.

" What have I done.." I screamed into the night

It feels like an agonizing pain has taken residence in my heart forever. The picture perfect Adidev is a complete mess now. I am feeling like an utter failure.

I don't know how long I sat in that rain , drenched to the core. I broke my Meera, that one thought was crushing my soul.

Suddenly, it was getting difficult for me to breathe. Sitting in the cold rain, I began sweating profusely. I started undoing the buttons of my shirt but I was not able to. I am shaking all over. I knew I was hyperventilating but I couldn't do anything. I was helpless as once Meera was....

I felt someone tapping my face. I  opened my eyes to look at Meera's  concerned face. I felt shame coursing through me seeing her concern because I don't deserve it .

" What happened?" She was panicking seeing me like this. I realized that I may have passed out. I tried to make her go inside as it was still raining and she was getting drenched because of me.

I thought the way I am feeling, I will not be able to feel anything more but I couldn't be more wrong. Her care and concern for me is like a thousand needles pricking my heart.

I could hear Meera calling me . I could sense she was getting scared but I was not able to respond. Suddenly, she hugged me and began to rub my back. She gave me a bottle of water to drink . I was not in a state of mind to deny anything. I was blindly following her instructions. Then we just sat there , no words exchanged in the heavy downpour.

" What happened ? " she asked me again

" I was 26 , you were only 18. I should have been the mature one in our relationship but I behaved like a bratty child. Why?" I looked at her painfully

" I deemed you culprit because of your silence but it never occurred to me to ask you, Why? " my words were choking me and her sudden tears were killing me still I continued,

" You... took care of ...me and my fam..ily, I reve..lled in that but you ....did not get the... same .Why?" I was finding it difficult to string two words together.

How do you talk to a person whom you have just given pain only but she deserves my truth . I pulled myself to show her my ugly side.

" I was egotistical, arrogant , sitting on my high horse, never once thinking that I could be wrong. I thought I did good and have moved on from what you did... oh sorry what I thought you did.." I said sarcastically," but actually what I did was drew a line which I allowed neither me nor you to cross. "

I turned to her , took her hands in mine and looked into her eyes. I knew my next words are going to hurt her as much it is going to hurt me, if not more.

" The day we... I mean I... you became mine completely, I heard you... I heard you telling me that you love me but I chose to ignore it, chose not to believe it"

Hurt is an understatement to what I saw in her face. She tried to free her hand and move away. But I held her tight, I have to tell her everything.

I held her face in my hands and made her look at me.

My painful eyes were looking at her hurt ones. Tears were unabashedly flowing.

" You were mine and I took that for granted. It was not that I didn't want to love you, it was I didn't allow myself to fall for you. You were softening me and unknowingly to all of us, were making a place in our hearts and that was scary. I then became the biggest coward and hide behind DUTY and RESPONSIBILITY" I ended saying sarcastically.

" It doesn't mean that I didn't care for you, I did , believe me, Meera I did but my ego, my arrogance was not allowing me to show it. The day, twins were born ,was the happiest day of my life. You were tired and sleeping after the delivery, I bought the twins and laid them beside you. I felt complete that day holding my family in my arms. You gave me that feeling. When you woke up, I wanted to tell you but...." I trailed off , " and then after the twins, we found a rhythm, a comfortable rhythm which I didn't want to disturb so I thought it is best not to talk about past"

The heavy downpour have reduced to a drizzle but the storm in our hearts was still in full force. I don't think it will ever calm down

" Why.... " I heard her painful whisper

"Why .... Why didn't I talk to you before? This was the question swirling around my mind and heart from the day the truth came out. My subconscious had already given me the answer which in conscious state , I was not ready to accept and it was because... because..." I didn't know whether I wanted to continue or not. I hung my head in shame but replied nevertheless
" I was scared "

She looked at me with confusion evident in her eyes.

" I was scared of your answer , I was scared that you will say that I am just a compromise  and your first love will always be my brother"

After my this statement, I didn't have the courage to look at her but I could feel her incredulous stare.

This silence that now crept in felt like a ticking time bomb.

"We should go inside and change clothes, otherwise we may fall ill " saying this she went inside and I could only watch her going away from me.